The Family Circle

We just got back from a spur-of-the-moment trip to my birthplace in Cincinnati. We ate regional cuisines, went to local landmarks, and I relived a lot of memories--my nana's old house, the school and church I attended through third grade, the street where I wrecked my stepmom's car.  It was fun, that trip down memory lane, but mostly, this past weekend was a real eye-opener on the true meaning of family. Our primary motivation for our trip was to meet up with our daughter, her husband, and their darling baby girl; they wanted to travel to Cincinnati to introduce Sophie to some members of her family. And most of those folks are not related to her by blood, or even by marriage. It is confusing, and I had a lot of trouble trying to explain why we went there, who everyone was, and why it was important for Sophie to meet these people. "Well, we were visiting my ex-husband's second ex-wife who used to be Becky and Mandy's stepmom when they were little," was just SO complicated to say, not to mention it sounded utterly ridiculous and demeaning.  I suddenly realized, like a slap upside the head, that I was trying to fit people into some sort of family "mold." I was being a "family snob," confined by some preconceived notion and definition of what makes a family.  

Marriage and bloodlines are not the only things that define family. We are all broken, we are all sinners, and our weak, flimsy attempts at forming a perfect union, the ultimate family, often fail. And even if that little family survives, the nuclear family does not (at least should not!) exclude those outside the family from entering in to that circle of love, ever broadening it, extending it, testing it, growing it. Many times, it is our adopted family that is the truest family, the most accepting, the most loving, the most forgiving. They don't have to love us just because they happen to be related to us--they CHOOSE to love us. Despite all our faults and our quirks. 

My daughters are amazing young women, and I love them dearly and am very proud of them, but this weekend as I watched my youngest joyfully envelop people who have loved her for years into her new family, and introducing her child to those who loved her and were always there for her, my heart swelled with love and pride.  Her idea of family was not constrained by marriage or a shared gene pool--she knows her family, and cherishes every single one of them. And they cherish her. They accept and love her, and therefore accept and love the ones she loves.   

Including me. And by that, I am truly humbled.  

We would all do better to look at everyone as not just part of the family of man, but as the family of God. The potential for new brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents is limitless, which is awesome. Limitless love--God's love.

The family circle--it may be a family circus sometimes, but I am so glad I have a ringside seat!

Seasons

"There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven" (Ecc 3:1)

A season...as in a time characterized by a particular circumstance or set of circumstances. Yeah, I'll say.  

I started this blog back in December as an emotional outlet, a way to let off steam, to document, and therefore possibly make sense of, all the crises we have been experiencing over the past year as caregivers for aging and ill parents. Of all the roles we have held over the years, caregiver of our parents has been, and will remain to be, the most difficult, albeit one of the most rewarding. My father-in-law, Bud, with advanced Parkinson's disease, my adorable mother-in-law, Connie, suffered two heart attacks and is recovering from colon cancer surgery, and my mom moved in with us, only to have to move into a nursing home as her condition deteriorated. It has been one crisis after another over the past eight months, with little to no respite for either me or my husband. We have had to make snap decisions, usually without our other half, and nearly always on less than enough sleep. But we have plodded through it all whilst still enjoying time with our children and their families, visits with friends, and much-needed emotional and spiritual support from our children, our friends and our church family.  

It has been an interesting season. And now, that season is over, and we are embarking on a new season. Bud and Connie transitioned from several hospitalizations, to rehab centers, to assisted living, spending months apart. Now they are together, at least in the same building. Bud is being transferred to hospice on the memory care unit, where he will spend the rest of his days. Connie is moving to a smaller apartment down the hall from her husband of 52 years, where she will live until Bud passes away. Mom moved to Tennessee three days ago with my sister, where she will stay until she runs away again. More or less, everyone is fairly stable at the moment. After months of living on an emotional roller coaster, we can finally loosen our white knuckled grip and exhale.  

Part of me wants to hold on to the old season; I've grown accustomed to it. I feel as if I have not finished with it yet.  My head is filled with "what ifs" and "if onlys" and "yeah, buts." I stubbornly and arrogantly think I know what God's will is for me, for the situation, for that season. The interim guardianship motion denied, my estranged family becomes more distant, and I feel as if I have failed, that I did not "do" enough. But that is merely my pride. Father (God) does know best. He brought me to that season, through the season, and now I must move on.

A new season--full of promise and surprises. I've no idea what this season holds.  But I know that God knows, and that he created this season for me, and me for this season. I will obey. I will learn. I will glorify Him in enjoying this next, and every, season.

Crazy is as crazy does part 2

glutton for punishment. Someone who habitually takes on burdensome or unpleasant tasks or unreasonable amounts of work.

That is what I feel like this week. I am sure my picture is in the Webster Unabridged Dictionary of Idioms right next to this phrase; soon, my photo will show up on Google whenever someone searches for this term. But of course those who have been following this blog already know that. Many of you have told me this. Or asked me why I keep trying to help someone who obviously wants no help, and why I continue to try to rescue my family members from themselves, when it is obvious they will repeat the same behavior over and over and over and over. Well, folks, you will be relieved and happy to know the circus is almost over, the fat lady has almost finished singing, and the crazy train is leaving the station. Without me in it.  

I recently filed for guardianship of my mom, and have a hearing on Monday morning.  

Mom has been served by the Sheriff, and I have notified both sisters

One of my sisters told me she is picking Mom up Monday, but I have NO idea if she is coming to the hearing.

My mom just revoked the power of attorney and health care POA.

My sister is being duplicitous, deceptive, and secretive, and continues to harangue and bully me via countless texts and phone calls, asking the same question over and over and over...when she already knows the answer. The same sister who begged me to help her time and time and time again.  

I have no pearls of wisdom, or Scriptural contexts, for this post.  I am exhausted emotionally and physically.  

But I know spiritually I will be okay...

Especially after Monday

Two steps forward, three steps back

SIX 

years ago Alex and I transferred to Florida and helped get my mom and her husband settled in a safe, independent living facility, with the objective of eventually transitioning them to assisted living and even skilled nursing should it be necessary.  

THREE     

years ago my sister suddenly swooped in to "rescue" them from us and moved them back to Tennessee, undoing all progress.  Mom wanted nothing to do with me.

TWO AND A HALF 

years ago same sister is blowing up my phone stressed out from the rigors of trying to keep our mother happy.  Seems Mom wanted to move back to Florida--she no longer wanted anything to do with that daughter.

TWO 

years ago, Mom was driving both of my sisters crazy with unrealistic demands, emergency room visits, falls, surgeries, and abusive phone calls.  Mom wanted my phone number and began calling me to save her.

ONE  

year ago, Mom's husband died, the bottom fell out of her safety net, and she had no money and nowhere to go.  Alex and I moved her in with us temporarily.  I was the "good" daughter.

FOUR 

months later, it became painfully obvious I could not keep her safe or healthy, let alone happy.  Her doctor referred her to a skilled nursing facility.

FOURTEEN  

days ago, Mom convinced my sister to come take her away from here.  She went on a four day visit back to Tennessee, and came back (albeit probably temporarily) that weekend.

TWENTY-FOUR 

hours ago, Mom threw us out of her room and threatened to call the police if we came back to visit.  

FOUR  

hours ago, I contacted the nursing home and told them while I am still the power of attorney and health care POA, I would perform these duties from a distance to avoid strife.  

FIFTEEN 

minutes ago, God touched my heart with a peace surpassing my feeble understanding.  

ONE   

God

THREE 

persons

It's a numbers game...

Leaning...

When nothing you say matters

When she is screaming at you to get out

When she threatens to call the sheriff for being there

And she tells the nurse we are no longer allowed even on her floor

When she's convinced you are out to get her,

And she says all you do is lie

When she says you are a thief who had no right to help

When she has you doubting your actions and thoughts

And even your very sanity

You can only lean on the Lord

And trust in Him with all your heart

And lean not on your own understanding

Because none of it makes any sense

Except to God

Help (not) Wanted

Mom has been back for over a week now after her unscheduled and unannounced trip to Tennessee with my sister--a trip I thought would last far longer than 4 days.  In that short time, she closed her checking account I used to pay her nursing home bill, and became convinced I am a lying, thieving daughter who only wants the worst for her. I haven't heard squat from my sister, and, in fact, don't even know if she is still in Nashville or on Navy Reserve duty in Guam. I am also clueless as to what she and/or my other sister and my mom are planning--staying at the Oaks?  Moving to my sister's? I want to know. I want to help. I want to continue to keep Mom safe, to help her live out the rest of her life in dignity. My help was wanted over a year ago. Now, not so much.

Yesterday, I stopped by to just say "hey." Took her a White Squirrel Latte and a sinfully delicious caramel cinnamon roll. And while I didn't expect hugs and kisses, the speed and rancor with which I was unceremoniously kicked out of her room made my head spin. She accused me of stealing from her, of lying, of never keeping her posted on what is going on. And despite me KNOWING that none of that is true, that Mom has always had serious personality disorders that are now exacerbated by dementia, that we KNEW this would happen, I left confused and hurt, asking myself the same questions I have asked myself for my entire life--what is WRONG with me?  Why does she hate me so much? Why doesn't she appreciate me? Why don't my sisters see how wrong this is?  

I want to keep helping, despite obvious rejection of help. I yearn for understanding, from a woman who has never sought to understand anyone. I seek love and praise from one incapable of giving love or praise. I continue to pursue, to show my love and concern, even though she pushes me away and refuses to reciprocate.  

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Spiritually I feel as if I am being attacked, tested, stretched to the breaking point. I have friends praying for me and with me. I attend caregiver support group meetings at our church.  My house is littered with books to provide guidance and insight--"Hope for the Caregiver," "Everyday Prayers," "Desiring God," "Jesus Loves You," "My Utmost for His Highest," and, of course, the Bible. All of it helps, to a point, but there is still so much uncertainty. Uncertainty in many things, but I have assurance in my salvation.  

I'm not perfect--I still worry. But I will, as the psalmist wrote, commit my way to the Lord. I will trust in Him and He will act.  

A Caregiving Conundrum

A week ago the on duty nurse at the nursing home called me to tell me “your mom is all packed and waiting for you to pick her up.” Puzzled, I asked “what?”, so she repeated it…adding that Mom told her “my daughter is coming to get me.” Ding!  Light bulb clicks on. Must be Mary Beth coming to get her, to “save” her from me and my “POA dictatorship.”  Like in 2013, and 2009.  So, I got in my car to go see Mom, and to find out if there was anything I should (or needed to) do. On the way, I called Mary Beth…yes, she was on her way to take Mom for a vacation for her birthday. Back to her house. No notice to me or the nursing home or anyone else.  Accused me of not wanting Mom to be happy, or not being aware that Mom is not happy. Right. Mary Beth, who has spent about 36 hours with Mom in the past 12 months, asking me, who has been the full time caregiver since June 2015, if I knew Mom was unhappy. Hell, when in the world has Mom EVER been happy?!

Regardless, I tried to talk her out of it, worried about Mom’s health and mental stability if removed from the nursing home.  Wondering if she would even bring her back.  Knowing she will work against everything we have accomplished in the past year…the power of attorney, the finances, the setup at the Oaks, the nursing care. All the work everyone here has done to try to help Mom assimilate to life in a nursing home. All the talk, the pleading, even talking with Mom….fell on deaf ears.  I was rebuffed, hung up on, accused of not caring, and threatened. Mary Beth picked her up, took her to Huddle House, brought her back for the night, and then actually slept in her car with her dog and took Mom out the next morning. All I got was a text “Mom is on a 4 day leave of absence”.  

I feel violated, rejected, shunned, kicked, and punched.  Like a slap in the face, a sucker punch to the stomach…life as I knew it for the past 10 months flipped upside down.  I have spent the last five days trying to verbally, emotionally, and spiritually process it all, the madness, the sheer incongruity of it all.  Spent hours trying NOT to think about it. I am shocked, confused, flabbergasted, dumbfounded, incredulous that this is happening again. That my sister is STILL enabling the crazy misbehavior of our mom.  That she actually thinks I am wrong, and that she has totally forgotten that, less than a year ago, she wanted NOTHING to do with Mom anymore, that she was exhausted, drained, and numb. And that neither she nor Nancy, our other sister, wanted anything to do with taking care of Mom—not financially, not emotionally, and certainly, not physically. So they willingly, with an almost audible sigh of relief, stepped back and let us step in.   

No support at all for the past year.  Just accusations and recriminations.  Not calling me to check on things.  No answer to texts or emails or phone calls or letters.  And now this. Whisking Mom away with no warning, no explanation, no visit.  Taking her to the bank in Tennessee to close her checking account, and change her social security check direct deposit. Not even caring that I have been making sure her nursing home bill gets paid, that I know Mom will squander her meager income if she has access to it, and she will, yet again, not pay her bill there, just like last year, and two years ago, and three years ago. Not remembering how Alex and I helped Mom get back on her feet again, or even caring enough to talk to the nurses, the doctors, the social workers, and the psychiatrists who have been caring for Mom 24/7 for the past 10 months.  

With absolutely no communication for the next four days, I was not even sure she would bring Mom back, and, if she did, for how long.  Unsure of whether I am still the power of attorney, or if Mary Beth is taking on that role.  Then, a curt, brief text at 1:00 am Saturday—“Mom is back at the Oaks.” No other replies, no explanations.  Further queries to her phone ignored.  

So now I sit here, still processing, still angry, confused, sad, and hurt. The advice of friends and family and the nursing home staff ringing in my ears, repeating over and over like a broken record, “step back,” “you are too hands on,” “just let it go and teach them all a lesson,” “you knew this would happen,” “quit trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved,” and “you did your best,” “let God take care of it, maybe He is giving you a break,”  and “you should have known!” I know all that, in my head, but I stubbornly want to be understood, agreed with, supported…not by my mother—but by others. But I am so hurt, so devastated by this absolute rejection of my love and help that I cannot stop thinking about it, cannot stop the sadness or the tears. I want to let it go, to take the great advice folks are giving me.  I want to be cavalier about it all, take the “c'est la vie” attitude, and to just “roll with it.”  

Everyone’s advice sounds so common sense, so natural, so easy, so right…so why is it so hard for me? Am I just trying to control everything? Am I not trusting God to take care of it? Am I wrong? Should I just give up and quit? Call it a day?  Shouldn’t I be satisfied that I gave it a good try, that I did what God wanted me to do?  Should I just “let go and let God?”  

Hmmm....quite a conundrum....