fear: an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.
Right...Merriam Webster puts fear succinctly into 19 words. Well, right now, I am trying NOT to be afraid. And I feel so much more than 19 little words. Afraid of the future. Afraid of an outcome. Afraid of what people will think. Shame. Disgust. Embarrassment. Hate. Regret. Sorrow. Pity. Sense of loss. Why? Because what I have dreaded (and secretly expected) for the past six months has finally happened...the proverbial shit has hit the fan. My darling mother has filed a civil action against me, with some pretty stark, and shocking, (albeit false) allegations. Abuse. Neglect. The action is peppered with lies and hate. To make it worse, she lives with my sister , and she, of course, has to be complicit in the whole affair. Previous criminal actions have been dismissed by our local county sheriff department, so now mommy dearest has decided to sue us for lots and lots of money.
When will this nightmare end, I ask God? I have prayed, cried, asked for prayers, and I really am trying to "let go and let God." Easier said than done, my friends. The sheriff taped the notice on our door on Friday at 2:50 pm. They close at 4 pm. We did not find it until 4:15 pm. Yep, you guessed it. All weekend long, Alex and I had to wonder, guess, worry, try not to worry, pray, ask others to pray for peace for us, toss and turn, etc., etc., about why we were getting a summons for a civil action. I would love to say I was patient. That I slept great and trusted God and was happy and cheery all weekend. But I was a wreck. This morning, I read my daily reading by Oswald Chambers, an expansion of the "but Lord you have nothing to draw water with and the well is deep" in the Gospel of John. Chambers hit me straight between the eyes with his mini-sermon on how it is not that we don't trust that Jesus cannot do things for us. We know perfectly well He can, and we know perfectly well what we can and cannot do. Our misgivings lie in doubting HOW He can accomplish what He will accomplish, and so we have fears. And those fears can destroy us. If we don't lean on God.
The King James version includes 29 instances of the phrase "be not afraid." The New American Standard Bible includes the phrases "do not fear" 57 times and "do not be afraid" 46 times. Some argue that "fear not" and similar phrases are present in the bible 365 times. Yes, I know a lot of the verses, they are many of my favorites. I leaned on them a LOT during rough days over the years. Isaiah 41:10-12, Psalm 56:3-11, Matthew 6:34. And I still lean on them. But if I do not start LIVING them, absorbing them, breathing them in and out, fear will win.
One of my favorite contemporary Christian singers is Jason Gray; he sings a song titled "No Thief Like Fear." I've copied the first few lines of the lyrics below:
Fear will take the best of us
Then come back for the rest of us
Its raging hunger never satisfied
It's closer than a brother
And more jealous than a lover
Who holds you while it swallows you alive
Let down your guard
And it will steal your heart
I am free, I am free
Oh my God has set me free
From these chains I am released
For my God has set me free
I am free. I am redeemed. I must not forget that. Fear has already lost. No matter how this civil action turns out. Jesus has already won.
