On being a stepmom

What I wish I had known before becoming a stepmom:

1. Step-parenting is not natural. It is common. But it is not natural. Establish good boundaries and get your husband on the same page. Talk often about concerns and fears and misgivings. Stepdads are cool and fun. Stepmoms are, by definition, uncool and no fun. Ask Disney.
2. Be their friend before you are their mom--your stepchild is confused and scared, and in their eyes it is your fault Daddy doesn't live with them anymore. At best your stepchild will be ambivalent about your marriage.
3. Blended families do not exist. Blending implies smoothness. It's more like a chopped salad. With nuts. If your stepchild does not live with you full time it is much harder than if they do and working out summer visitations is a logistical nightmare even FEDEX would struggle with.
4. No two families raise their children the same way, and if you are the stepmom,  your way is wrong. You cannot fix what you did not break but you will be blamed for breaking it. Your rules and values in raising your own kids will be different than those of your stepchild's mom. Funny thing? If you are easier on your stepchild you will be told you don't care about them, but if you treat them the same as your own children you are too strict and don't love them.
5. Your husband will take his child's side when you least expect it and your husband may have a closer bond with his child than with you. You will argue with him about parenting, so just take a step back and let Dad handle things with his child. 
6. Just assume it is always the stepmom's fault. You will feel guilty for not doing enough, you will be told, "You are not my mom!"; things you say will be misconstrued, you'll be resented, and your stepchild will break your heart--often. Accept it. The emotions will drain you--buckle up; find other stepmoms to talk to. And drink wine. Prozac helps too.
7. Stepmoms do all the things real moms do. Without the credit, and you can do all the mom things but still not be on the emergency contact list. No matter what you do, you will not be appreciated. 
8. You have to try harder with a stepchild than with your own child. You will not love them the same as your own children. But you are not allowed to say that out loud.
9. A mom can say she needs a break from her kids without being judged, but if a mom complains about her stepchild she will be judged. And if you give your husband time alone with his kids you will be blamed for not caring.
10. You will have no control over a lot of things in the relationship. Actually, you have no control. Period. Forgive yourself. Daily. And remember, there is no right or wrong way to stepparent.

Bottom line: Don't lose yourself or your faith in the process.

  

Veterans' Day

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day, the day all the veterans on social media post photos of themselves in uniform, and those who never served hit the like or the love button, and say "Thanks for your service," the day of mattress and car sales, and the chance for veterans to get a free meal or appetizer at Applebees or Outback. For me though, especially this year, Veterans' Day is a day I reflect back on the hundreds, possibly thousands, of servicemen, servicewomen, government civilians and contractors who I served with for over 30 years of my life. From entry in basic training at Lackland Air Force Base, to technical training at Keesler AFB in Biloxi, MS, to duty assignments in England, North Dakota, South Carolina, and Florida, to deployments and conferences and training all over the globe, the experiences and relationships are so integral to who I am it is impossible to explain to anyone who has never served in the military. The face of every single person I met is emblazoned into my memory--they were and always will be my family. The passage of time has no bearing on that relationship--I could just as easily start up a conversation as if I just saw them yesterday. 

You see, relationships in the military are not based on personality, background, religion, or politics. Even if there are people you may not agree with or even like, those things don't even figure into the equation. There just is not time for those trivialities when you have to depend on someone you do not even know to file your records correctly, to fix the airplane you may pilot, to make sure all the tools are in the right place, to ensure weapons will fire and parachutes will open, to take care of your dependents when you are away, and myriad other functions. You know the person you give a job to will follow your orders, and your boss trusts you to do the same. There is a structure of cooperation and interdependence in the military that still boggles my mind today--watch a base process 2000 personnel and all required cargo and equipment for deployment in 24 hours, and you will see what I mean. 

But the crux of being a veteran is not the job I did or the uniform I wore or the rank I achieved or the medals I earned. It is the unbreakable bond of a family of men and women who served their country with unabashed pride. For those who have never served in the military the camaraderie and closeness we share is incomprehensible. Our connection transcends distance, time, and station in life; put two veterans who have never met in the same room for five minutes, and within that short period of time they have found that connection and are talking like long lost siblings--because they are. I have lost family members, some through death and some through misunderstandings, and I have lost touch with a lot of friends and acquaintances I have made through the years who were not in the military. But those with whom I have served are always family, and I know with assurance I can always call on them if the need arises. 

And that is what makes retirement away from the military so damn hard--we can connect on some levels but never on as deep a level as with those who have served. So today I cherish those connections with my military brethren and think of them, the times we have shared, the fun we had, the hardships we endured, the difference we made in each others lives. You will always be close in my heart.