Spots and Blemishes

Endured my annual skin cancer screening recently—funny the areas I thought were serious were not.  However, seems the doctor was a bit alarmed at some rough patches on my face.  Yep, he matter of factly froze them right then and there.  He also seemed perplexed as to why I hadn’t noticed them.  Sure I noticed them...I noticed them every day as I applied concealer and foundation to hide them.  They've been there for a long time, and I just figured they were part of the aging process.  Nope, they were precancerous lesions caused by years and years of cumulative sun damage.  Something I gave no thought to in my teens and my twenties, as I foolishly ignored advice to wear sunscreen, and later, to get annual checks. The older I get, and the more I ignore them and do nothing, the worse they become.  

Just like all the little sins, the minor trespasses committed without nary a second thought.  You know, the little slips of the tongue, the gossiping, the slamming door, the self-pity. All the human selfish tendencies I become so immune to, so complacent with. Years of cumulative damage, scarring the soul almost imperceptibly, slowly, relentlessly, barely noticeable as they become part of my persona. Covering them up with prayers and words and excuses and rationalizations, trying to cancel them out with good deeds, remorse, and repentance, hiding them under a smile, a kind word, church attendance.  

Until someone points them out.  

Until the Spirit convicts, forces me to look in the mirror, and see them for what they are:  ugly, rough spots on my soul.  

Then He heals them--and the healing process makes them more noticeable, tender, painful, making me more aware of their presence than before, more careful, gingerly touching the spots where the damage was done.  As they heal, always a small white spot to remind me of my foolhardiness.

Anxious for the day to come when I receive a new, fresh body, without any scars or blemishes.  

"And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, he has now reconciled in his body of flesh by his death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before him..."   Colossians 1:21-22

Excited for what comes next

I have become quite good at complaining about my life without seeming like I am complaining.  Things like, "I'll be glad when this year is over," and "well, it can't get any worse" and, my current, personal, favorite, "I want my life back."   I figured by not regurgitating the litany of all the ups and downs we've experienced over the past few years, and by just generalizing things in one tidy little statement, I wouldn't seem like I was, well, complaining.  The thing is, I have become so used to feeling beat up, put out, put upon, sad, and depressed that I think I am finding comfort in this cocoon of sadness. God knows I deserve to be pitied, right?  I have had it so tough...so many trials. So many things have been thrown at us.  Even some of my friends tell me that I have every right to feel victimized, because I have suffered so much in my life.

Really?  Have I?  Or have I just let life overwhelm me? (Again.)  Yeah, the past three years have been full of challenges--caregiving for elderly parents, enduring family bitterness and disputes, undergoing false accusations necessitating an expensive lawsuit, experiencing the deaths of all our parents,  suffering health scares, assuming guardianship of a mentally disabled brother, and the ensuing complete rearrangement of our home and schedule.   But that is life.  And let's look at our current situation: Happily married for nearly 30 years, three beautiful daughters who are still married to their husbands, and six awesome grandchildren.   We live in a beautiful home and have steady retirement income until we die, we eat at least three meals each day, have a closet full of clothes, and two reliable vehicles.  Our children and grandchildren still seem to enjoy our company--in fact, one daughter and one granddaughter are currently living here while that son-in-law is deployed.  I have friends, fairly good health, a cupboard full of food, and my dogs probably eat better than some people.  

So why the Eeyore attitude, the "oh woe is me?"  Was my life last week, last month, two years ago, or six years ago, really that much better?   Or was I just more comfortable in that life because I did not have to grow, or change, or be challenged?  Why have I let life and all its surprises and changes dictate how I feel?  Because I was looking backward, then forward, then backward yet again.   And very rarely was I looking upward.  Nope, definitely not looking upward.  Despite all my best intentions, despite all the previous posts I've written, prayers I've prayed, things I have read, and resolutions I have made.  I looked inward, wondering how I could change things.  I looked outward, searching for that perfect kernel of wisdom to make it it all make sense, to give me the key to adapt to my new situation, to cope with loss, and to enjoy life's precious moments.  And, for the umpteenth time, I find myself asking, "Why is this so freaking hard?!?"

Because I am making it hard.  Because I am forgetting the most important, essential, reassuring part of my life:  I am redeemed, justified, and saved.  And all this other "stuff" that happens along the way?  Happy, sad, mad, glad, indifferent, sickness, health?  It's called life, and it is how God is perfecting me, prepping me for eternity, for a life with no more tears and no more sorrows and no more sickness and no more dying.  Yes, I got back into His Word a lot over the past few days, and did a lot of reading, a lot of praying, and had some late nights trying to put all this into words.  I found some real treasures from Peter, John, and Paul, and the perfectionist in me strained to find one verse to sum it all up.  But what it all boils down to is all of THIS--this life, this sorrow, this joy, this family, this comfort, this sickness, this inconvenience, this wrongdoing, this beauty--all of this is God's plan, and results in HIM being glorified.  Not me or my circumstances or my life or even how I respond to His plan.  The glory belongs to HIM.

By the way, boy did I struggle with the title for this post.  There was "looking every which way but up," and "no more Eeyores," and "keeping focused on things that matter," but none of those spoke to me.  And, in reality, the lesson I am trying so hard to learn (but I keep running into that wall of me-ness) is to be excited for what comes next.