On being a stepmom

What I wish I had known before becoming a stepmom:

1. Step-parenting is not natural. It is common. But it is not natural. Establish good boundaries and get your husband on the same page. Talk often about concerns and fears and misgivings. Stepdads are cool and fun. Stepmoms are, by definition, uncool and no fun. Ask Disney.
2. Be their friend before you are their mom--your stepchild is confused and scared, and in their eyes it is your fault Daddy doesn't live with them anymore. At best your stepchild will be ambivalent about your marriage.
3. Blended families do not exist. Blending implies smoothness. It's more like a chopped salad. With nuts. If your stepchild does not live with you full time it is much harder than if they do and working out summer visitations is a logistical nightmare even FEDEX would struggle with.
4. No two families raise their children the same way, and if you are the stepmom,  your way is wrong. You cannot fix what you did not break but you will be blamed for breaking it. Your rules and values in raising your own kids will be different than those of your stepchild's mom. Funny thing? If you are easier on your stepchild you will be told you don't care about them, but if you treat them the same as your own children you are too strict and don't love them.
5. Your husband will take his child's side when you least expect it and your husband may have a closer bond with his child than with you. You will argue with him about parenting, so just take a step back and let Dad handle things with his child. 
6. Just assume it is always the stepmom's fault. You will feel guilty for not doing enough, you will be told, "You are not my mom!"; things you say will be misconstrued, you'll be resented, and your stepchild will break your heart--often. Accept it. The emotions will drain you--buckle up; find other stepmoms to talk to. And drink wine. Prozac helps too.
7. Stepmoms do all the things real moms do. Without the credit, and you can do all the mom things but still not be on the emergency contact list. No matter what you do, you will not be appreciated. 
8. You have to try harder with a stepchild than with your own child. You will not love them the same as your own children. But you are not allowed to say that out loud.
9. A mom can say she needs a break from her kids without being judged, but if a mom complains about her stepchild she will be judged. And if you give your husband time alone with his kids you will be blamed for not caring.
10. You will have no control over a lot of things in the relationship. Actually, you have no control. Period. Forgive yourself. Daily. And remember, there is no right or wrong way to stepparent.

Bottom line: Don't lose yourself or your faith in the process.