Redefining me, under the auspice of God's grace, has become my full-time job. What took over 60 years to become has (thankfully!) been erased, or rather, replaced. Replaced with confidence in who I am (in Christ), what I can do (in Christ), how I should live (in Christ). Many who have known me (or think they know me) are surprised when I confess I shrink from confrontation, that I hate saying no, when I admit I feel insecure and insignificant. Yes, I hid my feelings well, said yes when I meant no, and groveled after the approval of those whose love I was afraid to lose. Those traits were inculcated in me from infancy--survival instincts. I learned to "go with the flow" and to blend with my surroundings, to morph, almost chameleon-like, into the type of girl, woman, daughter, wife I felt others expected. I had, let's face it, no boundaries that distinguished my desires from those of others whose favor I desperately sought. My identity was totally enmeshed with what others saw in me, thought of me, expected of me. I surrendered my "self" at the altar of acceptance. Because that is what Christians do, right? Turn the other cheek and all that stuff.
Now, through God's fantastic, all-encompassing, healing, restorative grace I am rediscovering me, reaffirming me. Not in a selfish or self-centered way, but in a God-centered way, I am becoming the person God intended. Setting boundaries, defining limits, expressing myself without fear. Don't get me wrong--it has not been a cake walk; walking through fire is not a pleasant experience. And, while I would love for you to believe that I took on challenges and trials willingly and cheerfully, the truth is I have fought God and stubbornly insisted on doing things my own way. And floundered and stumbled along the way. A lot. But I am more comfortable in my own skin, with my own soul, and everything that makes me, ME, than I have ever been.
Thank you, God, for the people and resources you put in my path. For helping me heal, helping me grow, in and through your wonderful grace.
I am not becoming a better person...I am becoming who God intended me to be.
