Dear Daughters: Your Mom is not a Mushroom

Oh the convoluted relationship between mothers and their adult daughters. Out of all my jobs, being the mom of adult daughters can (and does) make me question my sanity; it is an  emotional roller coaster. In any one minute period, I can feel pride, shame, joy, embarrassment, happiness, anger, irritation, peace, comfort, frustration, and sadness, and trying to explain any of my feelings usually gets dismissed as "you misunderstood." I thought I was alone in this, that perhaps because I am one of those highly sensitive persons I was imagining things. Turns out I am not. In talking to other moms of adult children (I know, that's an oxymoron), one common thread emerged: moms are seen by their kids as the persons they were when the kids were growing up. To them, Mom has not moved on, or changed, or developed a personality or life story of her own. This phenomenon exists regardless of how well mom and daughter get along. 

So, on that note, here are important things to remember to have a good relationship with your mom as you both age gracefully into the sunset.

1. Your mom was a person before you were born, and still is a person. She was not always your mom, even though you never met her until she was your mom. And when she became your mom, she loved you as best as she could, but always more than you would ever love her. Her life before you didn't cease to exist; it just got put on hold, or maybe even left behind. Everything changed for her. You became her world. Then you got older, and found your own world and left mom behind. You love her but you see her as she was when you left. 

    Stop and look at her with different eyes. See her the way you look at a stranger, get to know her. You are not the same as you were at 12 or 15 or 18...neither is she.

2. You do not know everything about your mom; you only know what she tells you and lets you see. There are many things children do not need to know about their mother's past, even though her past made her who she is, so when you ask questions about a part of her life she does not want you to see, she will blithely change the subject. But as you get older, and can understand there is pain and hurt and sin in the world, your mom may want to share parts of her life, herself with you. 

    Let her...you will have a richer experience for it. Don't turn away or tell her you don't want to hear about those things, as if it will make you not love her. Listen to her and learn about her life. It will help you understand not just her, but yourself as well.

3. Your mom still wants to kiss all your boo boos and make them better.  From the day you were born, your mom was the mama bear; when you came running to her crying, she was there. If you were sick, she magically made you feel better. If you felt lost, or said you would never EVER understand quadratic equations, she was there. If someone hurt your feelings, she listened. There were times she would let you make mistakes, hoping experience would be the best teacher. Then you flew the nest, and at first you'd ask for her help or advice (oh joy!), but then, all too soon, mom became obsolete, no longer needed. She would hear sadness or pain or anger in your voice or see it in your face, and she would ask you "what's wrong, what can I do?". 

   Let her ask you. Don't brush her off and change the subject. Talk to her, tell her as much as you can about your feelings and how you can sort it out. Tell her to just listen. She will. Don't shut her out. Or, if you must, nicely and graciously tell her you really aren't ready to talk about it, but you love that she noticed you were upset. 

4. Mom cannot keep every single event in your life in perfect order and remember the exact time and date and place it hapened; if she remembers it wrong, let it go.  Everyone has their own story, including your mom, and their own memories of events. You may think you will remember exactly what month and year your kids lost their first tooth or learned to ride a bike, but trust me, by the time your kids are in their late 20s, it all starts running together.  That's why you hear people over 50 always  saying "where does the time go?"--they really do not know where it goes--maybe it goes where those other socks go. Moms remember little snapshots of moments, sometimes triggered by a smell or a song or a word or a look. 

    So, if she says "Oh yeah, you did that when you were a seven and were wearing a yellow shirt," please don't correct her. Which leads me to number 5...

5. Your mom does not like to be corrected by her child, even if her child is 40.  No, your mom does not think she is perfect (even if she is), or that she is always right (even if she is), she just wants to be honored and respected, not corrected or dismissed or laughed at. If you really must say something to her because it hurt your feelings or caused pain or embarrassment to someone else who cannot or won't speak up for themselves, talk to your mom privately at another time. Sure she can learn from you, but there is way to do it.

    Be as respectful to her as you are to someone else your mom's age that you really admire. Oh, and never correct her in front of your spouse or in front of your children. 

6. Your mom has experience in many situations, so let her be herself.  Unless she has lived under a rock for the past 60 plus years, your mom has run across just about every situation you can name. She can handle herself. She gave birth to you, kept you alive for all those years, and look how perfect and smart you are now.

    Trust your mom. Don't be a helicopter daughter. See #1.

7. Your mom wants needs time alone with her grandchildren.  This is a tough one for some daughters out there, but you know if your mom can be trusted with your precious babies. Set your boundaries, sure, but grandchildren need time alone with their grandparents, and vice versa. Their conversations are different, and many times things are shared in confidence, so that is something you will have to work out with your kids and your mom. 

    Regardless, don't control their relationship; let them be themselves. Just don't abuse it--she already raised her kids; she does not want to raise yours.

8. You are not the only one who likes to be appreciated.  Instead of telling silly stories about your mom at family gatherings, or pretending your mom was oh so horrible when you are talking to your kids, say something nice, give her a compliment, talk about how your mom managed to work and raise kids, or how clean she kept things. 

    Build her up. Don't just make jokes. Oh, and she likes to hear these things even when it is just the two of you. Send her a card. Invite her to coffee. Tell her you were thinking about her. 

So, dear daughters, your mom isn't perfect--no mom is. But she is the only mom you will ever have. Some of you have stepmoms or "other" moms, but whoever you have to look up to as your mom, cherish her and honor her, get to know her. She will be your biggest fan and your best friend. 

Men, don't get your knickers in a twist.  This does not apply to you because, well, you just are not that complicated; sons don't seem to have the same communication issues as daughters. They just sort of grunt and look hungry, mom feeds them, and then all is good.

And remember, your mom is not a mushroom.