The dying art of friendship

If I asked you, "How many friends do you have?" what would you say? How would you quantify that question? Your Christmas card list (assuming you still send Christmas cards)? High school friends? Drinking buddies? Folks you work with? Or would you totally miss the boat, open your FaceBook app, look at your profile photo, and recite that number under your name? It all boils down to how you define that word, 'friend.' And how do you know, without a doubt, someone is your friend? Throughout my life I’ve made several friends, grown out of some, and even married one. Acquaintances and work relationships often blossomed into friendships--high school, military career, volunteer life, church, etc. I am not at a loss for friends. My problem is I often confuse 'friendly acquaintance' with friend, and then I attach qualities and requisites of a friend to people who, through no fault of their own, never meant to be my friend...they were simply being someone and kind, keeping me company. 

So what is a friend? Acquaintance? Social media follower? Confidant? Companion? Bestie? What are the qualities of that person that makes them your friend? Is it how often you see each other? The things you have in common? The American Heritage Dictionary says a friend is "a person whom one knows and trusts, is allied with in a struggle or cause, and one seeks out the society of someone out of esteem and respect;" and the esteemed Merriam Webster dictionary echoes that by saying a friend is "someone attached to another by affection and esteem"(while at the same time saying it's a person included in the list of social media connections.) 

But seriously, do you really need to use a dictionary or Google to define what you consider to be a friend? Ask the smallest child to name one of their friends, and you will get an answer in seconds, so it seems children know a friend when they see one. My first friend…I was five years old, we’d just moved into my nana’s house and I was sad. I was lonely. As I sat on the concrete steps of the front porch I watched as a little girl about the same age as me walked up the sidewalk to the porch, stopped, looked at me and said, “Hi, my name is Tina.  Wanna be friends?”  She was my friend no matter how my day was going. Four years later we clung to each other, sobbing, each one trying to console the other…I was moving…again.  Over six decades later I still remember her name, her smile, her family, and reminisce about all the fun things we did, games we played, Barbies we dressed, and the giggles we shared. I was her friend, she was my friend; there was no doubt about it whatsoever. 

Kids make friends pretty easily, probably because there's no baggage attached, no preconceived notions, no gossip. It's when we get older that making and keeping friends gets more difficult, complicated; for some reason human beings become jaded, suspicious, guarded, and self-centered instead of open, curious, and compassionate. Watch a group of kids in a school lunchroom, a playground, or at an event their parents dragged them to...the children naturally seek out other children, take interest in what the other is doing, and want to join in. Recently I took my 9-year old granddaughter to a community river fest in a small town near our home; the fest included river fun, information tents sponsored by various nature groups, food trucks, and tons of families. Within 10 minutes, Sophie asked if she could go play with the kids by the river; I agreed as long as she stayed where I could keep eyes on her. Four hours later, when everything was shutting down and it was time for folks to leave, kids all over were hugging and hollering their goodbyes, looking as if they were losing their best friends, friends made that afternoon. 

Whether we as a society have forgotten how to make friends, how to treat them, or how to keep them, I do know FaceBook is not the answer.

The narrow focus of self-pity

I struggle sometimes...okay, I struggle a lot...with feeling sorry for myself, when one of my kids doesn't call me for a while, or a friend doesn't reach out, or I feel like no one is listening. And I absolutely hate that about myself. At this point in my life I feel I should not have the self pity monkey hanging out on my back, whispering "oh you poor little thing" in my ear, weighing me down, pushing my head down and keeping me looking at the ground instead of where I am going, instead of looking up to the hills...you know, the hills from whence my help comes from. 

Sometimes, though, a little self-pity does go a long way in helping me see how ridiculous I can be and how narrow my focus is when the lens is zoomed in on my little sad self.

For the record, though, the pain and loneliness are real...I hate being confined to a chair, a bed, or behind a walker. And using a toilet riser is just weird. And I miss my nightly baths.  

For the folks who have taken time out of their busy schedules to see me, call me, check on me, make food...thank you. You renewed my hope in humanity. 

You're killing me, Smalls....

Yes...the small mindedness. The ridculuousness. The tribal mindset and groupthink. The divisiveness. Destroyed friendships. Family separation. Name calling. WHY????

Because someone does not like the way someone else voted. Today I saw the most vicious, vitriolic, hateful, vulgar, disgusting, name calling, post shared by a person I hold extremely dear, a freind I have known for 30 years, someone I would do anything for. 

Do I take that post, and others like it, personally? You bet I do. Because it is meant as personal. Others have called "all those Trump voters" racists, misogynists, stupid, and ignorant. Those "Tru

I do not care how you vote. It is none of my business.

I do not care who you have sex with, or if you have it all. It is none of my business.

I do not care how much money you make. It is none of my business.

What do I care about?

I care about my faith. I care about Jesus. 

I care about my family.

I care about civility and kindness, and not provoking anyone with language or actions. I care about the old adage of treating each other as you would be treated, and if you cannot say anything nice, say nothing at all. 

I would love to say we are better than this, that "Americans" can be kind and gentle. That people are not driving around with political hit lists, or destroying police cars and blocking highways. 

Disclaimer: I do not expect a lot of likes on this post. There are not any cute cat videos or granddaughter photos. No flag waving or marching bands.

Independence Day. A day Americans celebrate their freedom from British rule with parades, reading the Declaration of Independence, grilling a lot of meat, and of course, fireworks. A time for fun and family, good memories.

But today I went to a friend's page to see how she is doing ,and saw the most vitriolic, vulgar, hateful post, aimed at dehumanizing others, through the use of four letter words and angry rhetoric, so hateful it actually brought tears to my eyes. I cried. I am saddened by the hate and divisiveness that has become the norm in American society. People are no longer kind. The old adages of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," and "if you can't say anything nice, do not say anything at all" have all but disappeared.

People are not kind anymore. How you vote or voted defines you as a person, and everyone says whatever the heck they want on antisocial media, and oftentimes in person. Friendships are lost, family members are alienated from each other, and groupthink and autonomy have replaced civility, kindness, and community. Adults--grown adults, mind you, not children--routinely call each other horrible names, all because of who they voted for. It is shameful, juvenile, and uncalled for.

I am so sick of accidentally seeing such horrible things being said by people I thought I knew and respected, even veterans I served with, and especially those who proclaim to be Christians. They put such filth and hate out for anyone and everyone to see, but mostly to spread divisiveness in this tribal mentality world we now inhabit. So sick and tired of it. It makes me sad, angry even, to read or hear such hatred.

Freedom is not a license to shout fire in a crowded theater. It is not celebrated by inciting anger or calling people names just because they do not agree with something you say or do. And no, I am not singling out any one political bent, because as a nation, as "free" people blessed with the ability to elect their own government every four years, to have their own representation, we set a horrible example not only for our children but for the rest of the world.

In 2017, Mark Zuckerberg once said that FaceBook would become the "new church" by giving us all "a sense of community." Hah.
True freedom is not won through reading the Declaration of Independence, wars, riots, protests, government, and definitely not through posts on FaceBook or any other media.

True freedom, freedom from the consequences of sin as a result of our selfishness, is not won, it is a gift. From the Creator through His son, Jesus Christ. True freedom is not "whatever feels good, do it," or "anything goes." True freedom is surrendering ourselves completely to Christ, and then living out Christ's message by sharing the gospel in word and in deed.

In my 70 years on this planet have I consistently done that? Heck no. I am a sinner, but I am a redeemed sinner. God has done so many wonderful things in our lives and taught me so much about patience and waiting. My life (in fact no one's life) has not been easy; it has been fraught with crises and stress, deaths and sickness, lawsuits, and the shunning by family and friends. Through it all (the operative word being "through") God leads the way, and I follow (albeit not always my first inclination--I like to be in control).

In Luke 4:18 (ESV), Jesus said: “He has sent me to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovering of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed.” He is still doing that today, through His followers.

As I look back over these past seven decades, I am astounded and amazed at the beauty of His plan, His will for my life. I would love to share the good news with you, with my friends, with anyone who is tired of the hate, the tribal mentality so prevalent right now. If that is you, I will gladly buy you a coffee, listen to your story, and pray with you.

It would be my honor.