We don't always get what we want...

When I was growing up, I wanted, desperately wanted, to be a mom, to have tons of children and love them, love them with my whole body and soul, love them so much and so completely, that they would never ever have a doubt in their minds, as long as they lived, that their mother loved them, cherished them, and thanked God for them every single day of her life. My children would love each other and be kind to each other, they would protect their sisters and brothers and would never betray them. And they would respect their parents, and look up to us as a model for their future marriages and parenthood. Sons and daughters, and they would all give me a ton of beautiful grandchildren.

Yes, that is what I wanted. To have children who would have what I never had: a mother who loved me, sisters who shared a common bond and who stayed close through the years and would always be there to share joys and sorrows, laughter and tears. And I grew up resenting the mother God gave me, bitter with regrets, mourning the loss of something I felt I deserved, jealous of others who were raised by a righteous, Godly woman, often wondering why I did not merit a better mother, why I did not deserve the love of the one person in the world that society believes loves you unconditionally—a child’s mother. 

Lies…all of it, lies. My mother was a human being like everyone else God put on this earth, hardly perfect, and truthfully, not the quintessential “good mother” romanticized on those Mothers’ Day greeting cards, but a sinner, a damaged person incapable of loving anyone, including her own child. Funny thing, though? I loved her and spent the majority of my life trying to prove that to her and to earn her love, yearning for her to understand me and to know me, really know me, all the while feeling as if I was somehow unworthy of being loved. Until, while taking care of her when no one else would, despite constant insults, barbs, and pushing me away, I realized God gave me the mother He meant for me to have, so I could grow into the person He meant for me to become. 

Did I have beautiful children? And grandchildren? I sure did. Am I perfect in their eyes? Not anymore...but I will be perfect...someday.

 

Yeah, we don't always get what we want...but if we try some time, we might, get what we need!