A quest for more

"A Quest For More" spoke to me in so many ways, validating many internal feelings and heartfelt emotions.  But the biggest ah hah moment came during my reading of the last chapter on disappointment.  Not because as a Christian I don't have disappointments, because all of us fall short of perfection and thus we are disappointing and can be disappointed in and by others.  No, the difference is the depth and the cause of disappointments.  See I expect earthly and human disappointments.  They are a part of life.  People disappoint me because that is part and parcel of human sinfulness.  Events happen that sadden me. Friends suffer and die.  Family members are unloving and hurtful.  People I love reject Jesus.  The world is full of evil, and seems to be growing more evil.  One of my favorite scriptures is the Song of Ascents in Psalm 121:   I look to the hills.   where does my help come? It comes from the Lord".  See,  my hope is in the Lord.  I am assured of my salvation.  I know where my help and my hope and my life come from.  So any and all of life's disappointments are nothing to me because I know I will be in a mansion with my God and my savior for eternity.

I cannot live in the past. Or worry about tomorrow.  Or try to control today.  I know He is with me always and will never forsake me.  Ever.  .   

A Quest for More discussion

The discussions in "A Quest for More" on these three feelings brought me to tears and to my knees for days; the words really struck home.  I have prayed and thought about these chapters for hours, yet it is truly hard to put it all down into words.  I will try, but all of it just seems so inadequate.

Loneliness--Even before I read this, I have felt like I am lonely and homesick, yearning to be with my Jesus.  Yes, family and friends (and doctors) mistake these feelings as suicidal, especially since I also have dealt with depression for decades.  So reading this discussion on loneliness validated what I have felt for years, i.e. the longer I am on this journey with Jesus, the more I want to just go home to be with Him.  Yes, I have a great life, husband, children, grandchildren, friends....I am not complaining.  But my relationship with God while I am still on earth can be likened to eating a great meal when you have a cold and cannot taste anything, or like seeing someone you love through a window and being unable to touch them.  It is like being separated from the love of my life and not knowing when I will be with Him again.

Anger--What makes me angry?  How do I express my anger?  Is my anger justified?  Am I only angry when my "little kingdom" desires are thwarted?  Or am I maturing in my Christian walk?  Again, as I grow in Christ and in my faith, my anger, or actually the objects of my anger, become more global, broad, and seemingly unsolvable.  Yes, I still get angry at not getting my own way, or being "put out" or left out, but I realize now how foolish and selfish those things are.  What really makes me angry now are the sins of the age...abortion, murder, adultery, gossip, and most of all, the apparent widespread acceptance of man's law over God's law.  In other words, commandment breaking sins.

Hope--Yet despite my aching loneliness and heartfelt anger over the plight of this world, I remain hopeful in God's love, secure in the knowledge that His will shall triumph.  As long as I continue to place my hope in His love, His will, His Word, and His faithfulness,  the loneliness and anger are worth it all.  Hope placed in earthly things, temporal values, is false hope.  Only hope in the almighty God and creator of the universe gives my soul peace.

"My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from him.  He alone is my rock and salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken"  Psalm 62: 1-2

Veggie Tales Nana

Just finished Facetiming with my daughter, Mandy, and granddaughters Lydia, Molly, and Isabella.  Lydia, 5, and Molly,3, wanted to sing a new song for me  Love it, of course.  Mandy gave me a little background, explaining how Lydia and Molly learned a new song, called Barbara Manatee.  Well, Mandy proceeded to tell the girls "you know whose name really is Barbara?  Your nana!" Without skipping a beat, Lydia starts singing, "Barbara Nanatee..."  Hilarious.   

Evidently, I am a famous Veggie Tales character.  

Miracles

I believe in miracles... not luck or happenstance, or even coincidence. But true, honest to goodness miracles. Brought about by prayers and the faith of a secret prayer warrior, perhaps even someone I have never met. In the past two months, I have personally experienced two miracles. Events with no other explanation other than God answering prayer and holding me in His loving Hands.

First, my youngest daughter, Becky, announced she is pregnant, expecting our next grandchild in February. Notwithstanding that conception is a miracle by itself....this news was even more awe-inspiring because Becky had leukemia at the age of 12--and her little body was exposed to 3 years of chemotherapy and radiation. And by all rights, her reproductive system was probably too scarred to conceive. Yet, the child God gave me, is now carrying her first child.

Then, last week I was driving to an appointment in Asheville, it was raining, I had a migraine, and traffic was horrible.  No, I was not texting, on the phone, or otherwise distracted. I changed lanes to the left, but didn't see the vehicle in my blind spot.  He swerved, but I felt the impact as our vehicles side-swiped each other...my driver's side to his passenger front door.  Shaking, I pulled into the next available parking lot, he followed, and we both got out of our cars--me apologizing and crying, and him looking frustrated and irritated, even though we were thankful we avoided oncoming traffic. We then each looked at our cars...not a single scratch.  Not even a brush, a chip, rubbed area on tires...nothing. There was no damage. We were incredulous. We both kept saying "I felt the impact." No damage, no accident, nothing. We hugged, in the rain, thanking Jesus out loud. Then we both went about our day, continuing our normal daily lives, but we were both forever changed by this brief event.

How many times do I tell someone I will keep them in my prayers, but I only give it a lukewarm effort? How often do I forget to follow through with my prayers until weeks later when I see that person again? And yes, I know God hears them regardless of how imperfect my prayers. He knows the needs, the desires, I get that. 

But, what if my one imperfect prayer could result in a miracle?

Thank you, secret prayer warriors.

Thank you God

We serve an awesome God!

At the center of it all?

Little kingdoms, big kingdoms   Is Christ at the center of all?  Why do we do the things we do?  Why do we help who we help?  Are my prayers right focused?  How can I, with my human heart and my human tendency toward sin hope to keep myself focused on Christ?  Centered on Christ?  How do I block out that human tendency, that human-ness.  My relationships are flawed.  My thinking is flawed.  My intentions are flawed.  Heck, even my prayers are flawed.  Because I am flawed.

It is so hard to stay focused, to push away the selfishness that is me.  To differentiate between what I think is living for Christ, and what is REALLY living for Christ.  I judge others, am alternately too hard or too lenient on my own behavior and intentions, and I really feel I just am not doing enough to further His kingdom and His wishes on this earth.

Prayers are needed...much.

Humbled and awed

My relationship with my mother has been rocky, with lots of ups and downs, and there have been periods of time, some of them extended, during which we barely communicated. I would bemoan to anyone listening how bad I had it, listing all my mom's faults and missteps, perceived or real, and recanting her "horrible" outbursts and bad parenting. Yet I have probably spent the majority of my adult life trying to "earn" the love and respect of my parents, especially that of my mom. I even signed on to move to another state to "help take care of her" (unasked), and proceeded to try to dictate every aspect of her life I thought needed improving.  And when I was ultimately rebuffed (less than 2 years later), I sulked and appointed myself the martyr, the misunderstood, the unappreciated selfless daughter. I prayed for a healing to our relationship, but most of all for a healing of her spirit, because of course, my intentions were blameless and pure. She wronged me after all, right?

Only within the past year have I realized, through God's grace, I needed the healing of my spirit. God answered my prayers for my mom by giving me new eyes with which to see her, a renewed love for her, and a compassion for what she is suffering now.  No, she is not perfect (as none of us are!), but she is caring, concerned, and loving--qualities I rarely before ascribed to her. I actually enjoy talking to her on the phone, and want to drive to visit her, and help her when she asks me. I see her the way God sees her...an imperfect human being, made in His image, and worthy of love. I find joy in honoring her, and find beautiful the scripture verse: "Honor thy father and mother, that thy days may be long on the land which thy Lord God giveth thee." Funny how people, elderly moms included, respond to care and attention given with RIGHT motives, and how God uses us to work miracles and answer our prayers. His own way. His own time. 

His own time. I am not going to second guess His timing by feeling guilty for not coming to this realization sooner, or by dredging up all my misbehaviors and misguided actions. I have asked forgiveness and received it. However,  I am going to prayerfully go to Him daily for the strength, wisdom, and courage to do what He would have me do for others, but especially for my mom. The woman who gave me life, and who has given me a new outlook on life.Being a daughter is such a privilege. I don't want to blow it. 

My mom is alone now, a widow, and while she has medical needs, and is nearing 90 years old, she still has most of her mental faculties and sharpness and can pretty much take care of herself.  She drives, pays her bills, buys groceries, and prepares meals. She needs to find someplace to live she can afford, and income-assisted housing for seniors is nearly nonexistent. So I am helping as much as I can, trying to allow my mom to retain her dignity and as much of her independence as she is able, researching options and talking things over with her. Respecting her wishes, and listening to her fears. Stepping in to help when asked, not pushing. Sometimes just being there, but acutely aware that one day she may need me to be there always, to take the reins. 

Then to keep me from getting too full of myself in my role as caring daughter of an elderly mom, today God sent a young lady and her grandmother into the little store where I volunteer a few hours each week. The grandmother was shopping for some second-hand furniture for her new apartment, an income assisted apartment. Her granddaughter, who looked to be maybe 19 or 20, is going to college here and was helping her grandma shop, and they were conferring with each other on every item.  "This sofa will fit, right?" and "I think that little end table is perfect" Then I overheard the grandmother ask her granddaughter, "Are you bringing your bed from home?, and it hit me. This sweet young girl was moving in with her grandma to help take care of her. I hugged her and she looked at me sheepishly, with an expression that seemed to say "doesn't everyone?" Brought tears to my eyes.  And awareness to my heart.  Thanks, Lord. 

quest for more review

Yep, still reading about the perennial struggle between our little kingdom of self and God's big (true) kingdom--what I initially thought was one chapter on the subject turned out to be three.  At first, I'm thinking "enough already, Tripp!  Quit beating a dead horse!"  But the more I read on, the more it hit home.  Sure, I'm a Christian, saved by the grace of God by Jesus' death on the cross.  Sure, I know I don't deserve it, didn't earn it, and know I cannot lose it.   But am I communicating this in my life, in my daily interactions with even my husband and my family?  Or am I caught up in self?  When I tell folks I will pray for them, or ask for their prayers, is it really for God's glory or to put the focus on me?  When I tell someone of an answered prayer, where is my focus?  And what if the answer is not one I prefer?

The FINAL QUESTION:  In my everyday life, where am I telling myself I am living for God when I am really living for myself?

Less than 48 hours ago I had a fight with my husband, and while it was not one-sided, I nursed my anger and hurt for 24 hours.  That is little kingdom living, and drives home that point...