When trust is broken

“It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man. It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes” (Psalm 118:8-9). 

"Let each of you not look only to his own interests but also to the interests of others." (Philippians 2:4) 

Countless verses instruct Christians to share their good fortune, help others in need, shine their light, and love one another...and to trust in the Lord with all their hearts. So how do I reconcile the two? We reach out and trust others to do something, build something, and be honest about something, but that trust is broken it is so easy to be hurt, bitter, resentful, and to feel foolish for being taken advantage of.  

We invest our time, love, energy, knowledge, and yes, money in our community in so many ways, helping others get on their feet, providing shelter for those who have no place to go, giving those in a new business venture a chance by hiring them, teaching and mentoring. In other words, reflecting Christ in all we do. And no we do not do these things for recognition, personal gain, or even appreciation; the joy is in the giving. But, we are human too. And when those we reached out to end up taking advantage of our generosity and no-strings-attached trust, it hurts. A lot. 

When people take our money and give nothing in return except for excuses and sad stories, I want to kick myself for trusting them. I feel stupid and used and foolish. When my husband trusts someone to do home repairs that he could do, but wants to give that guy a leg up, and months later we have nothing to show for it but less money in savings, I am angry. And he feels foolish. And sad. Used. Confused. I want to just give up on the human race. To not help anyone anymore. To just do it all myself and the heck with everyone's sad sack stories. To not give advice or share wisdom learned over nearly seven decades of my life. 

But that is where the trust in the Lord part comes in. I have to trust in God to make all things new and good for those who love Him. I must take refuge in the Lord when someone betrays my trust or does not follow through on their promises. Cast all my cares and anxieties on him, and believe that in the end what we do with a pure and clean heart will bring glory to God. Because when it comes right down to it, we don't do these things, help others, give of ourselves, or share our good fortune for any earthly awards, recognition, or honor. We do these things because we are of Christ and the Holy Spirit in us leads us to do good works. 

But I still feel discouraged and let down by my fellow man.

“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven." Matthew 5:14-16)

Easy to read, hard to put into practice. So many times when I do good works ostensibly for the glory of God I really want the light to shine on me, for people to appreciate me. Over the years, Alex and I have weathered serious financial setbacks by trusting others. But it is not about being recognized or repaid. We do what we do (at least try, anyway) to reflect Christ. And to help wherever we can.

Light dispels darkness.

Election Day

Election Day. A day I used to look forward to, excited to cast my vote as an American citizen, taking advantage of a rare and wonderful privilege: to be part of the process in choosing our country’s judicial, legislative, and executive leadership. Not just at the federal level, no, but at every level, down to the smallest county seat and school board. In previous elections I’d spend hours gathering ballot and platform information to make informed decisions about nominees and proposals. I would attend rallies, talk to friends, watch debates and programs, and of course pray. If i supported a candidate, I’d put a sign in the yard or a bumper sticker on my car. I may even have worn a campaign button. My parents and I would talk about issues, but no one ever got too upset or slammed anyone who had a different point of view. And we respected others’ opinions, and knew to never bring up money, politics, or religion in polite conversation. 

Now I dread Election Day,and all the days leading up to it. I used to think the NBA had the longest season. Or that Christmas started obscenely earlier than it should. But since 2012, election mania has pervasively infected every aspect of our daily lives far too prematurely, sometimes as early as two years before the expiration of the incumbent’s term  honestly, since 2016, I believe it has been nonstop. I’ve stopped watching the nightly national news, something I used to enjoy, because it is anything but news. I cringe when I overhear political comments as they are often laced with vitriol and untruths, and I sadly watch as our country has been torn in two, whether it is on social media, in a sports bar, in church, or at a restaurant. People are now labeled and judged solely based on who they vote for, as if that parameter describes every facet of a human being. The titles of respect for those in office, from a city mayor to our country’s President, are no longer seen as relevant. Or elected officials are called by their last name or worse yet, called derisive names as if we were in a school playground.  Nominees are dehumanized so thoroughly through media—YouTube, FaceBook, the major news outlets, their opponents—it has become commonplace to call them names, draw disgusting cartoons, or even attempt assassinations. And now, anyone who supports these nominees are of course seen as less than human as well. Oh how Screwtape must gloat!

I love my country. I love America. I respect the office of every elected official, but especially that of the President of the United States. How could I not? I am a veteran and the President is the military commander in chief. Democrat or Republican. But more importantly, I am Christian, and scripture instructs me to do so. Yes  I voted Republican, all the way. I voted for former President Trump. Not because I think he is perfect, not because I think Vice president Harris is evil or stupid, but because of my beliefs.  In four years we do it all over again. And again after that. But Jesus will always be the King. Whether you vote for Him or not.

“Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.” (Roman’s 13:1)

But God...

Eleven days since Tropical Storm Helene made her unwelcome, dramatic entrance into Western North Carolina, causing catastrophic damage with rain, wind, and flooding not seen for over a thousand years, I remain overwhelmed with sadness by the sheer magnitude of it all. Whole towns gone, others barely touched; cadaver dogs amidst the mudslides, the seemingly random tragedies, bodies of pets, farm animals and people in the water, the mud and the wreckage; trees down, crushing homes and vehicles and people; power lines down everywhere, no WiFi, internet or cellular service; boil water advisories, schools closed, some indefinitely; a local Subaru dealership flooded with 5 feet of water; area substations under water, a million without power; horrors seen that can never be unseen;  communities sharing and visiting and giving instead of texting or facebooking; cash only, gas and food shortages, communities and people unreachable except by donkey; ironically, election signs still standing while houses float away

Thursday I dropped some supplies off at our church and met a young woman in the parking lot; she was carrying two large bags full of clothing to donate to disaster victims.  We chatted and I told her drop them off at the church taking clothing donations. We talked about loss, about being fortunate, about our love for WNC, and I thanked her for the clothes, mentioning they were for survivors of a town destroyed by a mudslide. That a friend of mine was working with cadaver dogs. She burst into tears and we held each other. But God…

Driving by a home with a tree crushing its roof I spied a young boy swinging in a wood swing, laughing, barefooted, blonde hair blowing, while two adults stood with their hands and arms limp at their sides, mouths open, staring at their ruined home.  But God…

While at our church aiding others pass out supplies and providing free hot meals to whoever showed up, I saw a man sitting alone at a table, eating his BBQ and fixins. I sat down across from him, asking if he minded if I joined him. He was kind and articulate but you could tell he’d had a hard life and was in a bad place.. But God…

People arriving for free hot meals, I greeted these strangers, these neighbors, hearing their stories. A grandma who drove an hour around roads blocked by power lines and trees, all to pick up supplies and a meal for her granddaughter, who lived downtown in a now flooded basement apartment. An 81-year old woman and her disabled husband just looking for some toilet paper and water.  A family with a little boy who had just been to urgent care for a burn and was screaming and inconsolable, overwhelmed with the strangeness of the past 10 days. Two older ladies holding hands and quietly eating their meals, thanking us profusely for a few basic supplies. All wanting to share their stories, all walking around with the same stunned, shell-shocked looks on their faces. But God…

 A young woman moved to Hickory to be near her fiancé; they bought their first home; planned their October wedding for months; wedding venue was underwater. Another couple, newlyweds who'd only a month earlier moved into the house of the bride's grandparents where she'd spent many happy years, the house she and her new husband fixed up and made their own, all of it gone in a flash. But God…

People lined up outside the grocery store waiting for their turn to go in and pick up a few essentials, cash only because the internet is down. Shelves nearly empty, ATMs not working, gas stations with yellow “out of order” plastic bags on the pump handles, an 8 o'clock curfew because roads are out and it’s dark. But God…

Neighbors using their own equipment and money to work 15-18 hour days with search and rescue operations, body recovery, debris removal, providing hot meals, clothing, basic supplies and compassion. Almost no help from our federal agencies. But God…

Schools closed, food ruined, water contaminated, and children’s worlds turned upside down. But God…

Pregnant women within 4 weeks of their due dates and families with newborns urged to leave WNC and go to South Carolina, hospitals crippled by lack of power, water, generators, and staffing. But God…

“But God…”. Those two words bring hope, and remind me that God is sovereign, that He controls the universe, and that He uses all circumstances to bring glory to His name. It is a powerful phrase assuring us God is sovereign, all powerful, just, and merciful. Look in the BIble and you will find this little two-word phrase any time the situation seems hopeless, from Noah (Gen 8:1), to Joseph (Gen 50:20), to King David (Ps 73:26), to Christ's crucifixion (Acts 13:30).

As we get through this tragedy, (through being the operative word, as opposed to being in, or being stuck) remember that God has done many things much harder. He is never surprised by what happens, or clueless about what to do, or ignorant of how we are hurting or feeling, or unaware of our needs. We will recover, rebuild, renew, and remember. We depend on God

“But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ—by grace you have been saved” (Ephesians 2:4-5)

Eulogy for the Telephone

Do you know what I miss? Phone calls. Real, honest-to-goodness, old-fashioned phone calls. The kind where you hear the phone ring, and there is that moment of surprise mixed with curiosity and even irritation over the interruption, before I pick up the phone and say “Hello?” and hear the caller say “Hi_______!” Depending on whether I can identify the voice and what fills in the blank (Mom, Honey, Barbara, Mrs Ritchey), my mood changes to joy, anticipation, or again, irritation. Daughter calling for advice or news; parents calling to chat and ask about me; spouse or boyfriend (a LONG time ago!) telling me about their day and expressing love and concern; friends calling to chat or set up a time to meet; work calling to tell me something that can’t wait till the next day; doctors or vets or dentists or repairmen calling about invoices, appointments, lab work; salesman calling to interrupt my dinner. Regardless of the who, when, or why, there is a voice of a real live person on the other end. We are connected. Talking. Listening. Sharing. 

Today we don’t talk. We text, message via FaceBook, WhatsApp, etc., comment on social media posts, or post our “status updates.” Communication is voiceless. Emotionless. Sterile. Not human. It’s just words on a screen. Replies are implied by the “…” in the respondent’s window. Emotions, responses, and feelings are replaced by memes, gifs, emojis, or 21st-century shorthand: "LOL," "IDK," "IYKYK," "RN," and "DM." When I call someone, I rarely hear the voice of the person or business I’m calling answer. Nope—voicemail, bots, options to press, or nothing at all. As if that isn’t demoralizing enough, callers know if the person they are contacting got the message/call; confirmation is shown by “read,” checkmarks, or a tiny photo of the receiver. On the receiving end, we know right away who is calling and can choose immediately to answer, not answer, or send to voicemail. We can even block other people from calling or texting us! 

And it isn’t that texting or FaceBook messages are any more efficient than phone calls. It would be great if they were. They’re ignored just as much. Some people get so many texts and messages they forget to read or answer earlier texts. And while shorthand communication (texts, messages, anything not involving person-to-person and voice-to-voice) is useful in some scenarios (providing addresses for directions, confirming appointment times, and communicating with people overseas to set up a phone call), it is not the same as people talking to people. Non-voice communication is two computers communicating. These modes of “talking” are often ignored, forgotten, or worse yet, misunderstood. Because we’ve gotten too lazy or stupid to communicate efficiently. Have you seen the movie "Idiocracy?"

Yes, I’m guilty of it too. To avoid confrontation, the possibility of rejection, or talking to people I don’t know well, I’ve fallen into the horrible lazy habit of messaging people in my family, my town, my neighborhood, and even in my house. The other day I sent a too-short text message asking another member about someone in our church, and it was perceived as lacking compassion. Because I was too lazy or in a hurry or too busy to send a proper message or just CALL DAMN IT!

Communication is so much harder these days. That little personal computer we all walk around with is a double-edged sword. We can look up anything, read emails and listen to messages without going home, find directions, listen to music, and take photos. We do not even need to think. Sadly, though, we are so connected we have forgotten the initial purpose of it was as a phone. It was supposed to be an upgrade to the home phone, presumably, so we could call people and answer their calls anytime, anywhere. Somehow, though, it has morphed into anything but a telephone; I fail to see why a smartphone is "smart." It certainly does not make the user any smarter.

Phone calls have been relegated to the same obsolete pile as letter-writing; sending birthday, thank you, sympathy, and special occasion cards; having a conversation without the ubiquitous "smartphone" in our hands; telling stories without showing photos or FaceBook posts; and reading books (especially reading to our kids). 

Nearly 8 billion people on the planet; we talk to fewer every day. Sad.

Not enough time

When I was a girl I didn’t understand the concept of time. I was immortal and invincible. I used my time to escape from the reality of my childhood. I had too much time on my hands. Time was a foreign concept.

When I was a young woman I thought I had all the time in the world. Time to be silly and get drunk. Time to try new things, time to waste on pointless relationships. Time to find the man meant for me…eventually, that is. But first I had unlimited time to play, discover, and experiment. Or so I thought. 

When I became a wife and a mom, I had no time to chase after dreams or goals. I selfishly hoarded any free time I had, as if moms have such a thing. I put aside time to pray, figuring I would get to it when I was older and not so busy. I spent all my time on children and marriages and work. I looked forward to all the time I would gain when the children were grown and I was retired. Time to learn things like playing piano and learning a new language. Time to make amends to the people I hurt. Time to teach my children about Jesus. Time to lose weight and get fit. Time to get in touch with friends. Time to understand who I was. 

Now I am retired. My kids are grown. They have kids of their own...but they don’t have an excess of time. They think I have a lot of free time. I spend my time mourning wasted time, lost time. I try to get my children to carve out time for me. I want meaningful time with my spouse. I squeeze too many things into small increments of time. I’m trying to learn Mandarin Chinese. I bought a keyboard and am making time to teach myself piano. I spend a lot of time making things for the ones I love. I spend time with God. I volunteer my time to help children learn to read. Time is so precious now. It is moving too quickly. 

I spend too much time on regrets. I wander through the days, months, and years, searching for a moment in time. Searching for a glimmer of recognition in another person’s eyes, hoping our eyes would meet and I would be immediately understood. I watch the march of time across my face, body, skin, and mind. Time is honest. Unkind, true, but time tells the truth. 

I have so little time now. I’m obsessed with opening a window, even simply parting the curtains to allow those in my life a brief yet meaningful glimpse into my life. To leave some remnants of myself, a short time here on earth, for others to see, learn from, and add to. I think about how, or if, time will be measured when I die. Or is time merely some ethereal wisp, abstract and impossible to grasp? 

Do you know what is so unfair? We spend our whole lives learning and living, and when we have gained wisdom and insight and can see things more clearly, we are running out of time. 

A very interesting (?) trip

Get another RV,” I said. “It’ll be fun to travel,” I said.  “We can take the dogs,” I said.  Right. 

Sometimes there’s nothing recreational about owning an RV. We had one 10 years ago, a large class A diesel pusher,  and ended up selling it during COVID because the upkeep and maintenance were too prohibitive. But then in late 2023, we decided to try again, this time with a fifth wheel—a used one at Alex’s insistence. “I’ll fix it up and we’ll check it out in the spring,” he said. He parked it across from the house and from day one we had problems; when he disconnected it from his truck, the RV wouldn’t level and he couldn’t figure it out. There it sat and sat, and sat. While we dealt with unexpected hospitalization (mine) and a stressful job (Alex’s). Months later, he gave up and hired a mobile RV repairman to fix it. 

We planned our maiden voyage for Alex's birthday in July and reserved a spot at a hip camp in Newport, Tennessee. First order of business: make the towing vehicle, Alex’s 13-year-old F250, safe and capable of towing a 17,000-pound trailer. Next, a last-minute Walmart trip to get leveling blocks and a water hose. After that, pack the RV with essentials and food for five days and get ready to leave. Oh wait…the RV refrigerator isn’t working. Ok, scratch the food. We will eat out. Next, he has to trim branches on our road to avoid damaging the RV. By this time it’s pouring down rain and it’s 7 pm, so we delayed our departure by a day. 

Friday, he hooked it up to his truck and we were on the road. Alex somehow injured his foot so badly he could barely walk, but he handled driving and setting up like a pro. We walked the dogs and went to dinner (remember? The fridge was broken). Figuring it was only for a short while, we left the dogs uncrated in the camper. By the time we got back, they managed to dismantle the storm door, shred the screen, destroy the door seals, and tear the welcome mat into tiny pieces. (Note to self: shop for dog crate on Amazon).

Saturday we went to a local birding park (with the dogs) and I enjoyed a 2-mile walk amid nature, spying indigo buntings, bobolinks, and warblers. While sightseeing in the beautiful Smoky Mountains, the RV site owner called (never a good thing): water was dripping out of the front of our camper. When we got back and opened the door to the RV we were met with a 1/2 inch of water on the floor from an overflowing toilet. So much water had leaked into the insulation Alex had to poke a hole to drain it. I still don’t understand what happened--something to do with flush tanks, storage tanks, and water regulators.

Sunday, thank goodness, was incident-free. Monday, though, was the icing on the lopsided cake. First, the cable for one of the slides had come loose and Alex had to fix that. Next,  I noticed one of the tires was flat; Alex fixed that too. But when we dropped the camper off at Camping World (for much-needed repairs),  Alex unhooked it from his truck prematurely; the RV slipped and landed on his hand, necessitating a trip to the emergency room. Alex could not fix that.

Believe it or not, despite the hiccups we had a good time. And, while the RV requires a few tweaks and fixes, we look forward to our next trip. Hopefully, less eventful!

Coincidence? Or Divine Providence?

You have searched me, Lord,  and you know me.

2 

You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 

You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4 

Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.

5 

You hem me in behind and before,and you lay your hand upon me.

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Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain. (Psalm 139:1-6 NIV)

 Have you ever struggled with a decision you KNOW you need to make, but just did not know why or how or which way to turn? Or, have you felt like something, just something, was about to happen, but had no earthly idea what or when or why? And then, you finally made that decision, the decision you thought was so hard and you had no idea if you were making the right choice, but you prayed and prayed and walked with God and finally did it? And then, within seconds, minutes, hours, days, or even weeks, that decision was validated by a stream of incidences and situations?*

 *Note: Even if you did not walk with God to make the decision, and instead thought you would strike out on your own and trust your judgment and wisdom, the outcome was probably not so great. But even that would lead you to the same conclusion: God's will is inscrutable. But perfect. And only He knows the domino effect of decisions, only He can see the future (because He is omnipresent, in the future, past, and present), and only He knows our path, and tries to guide us along it (despite our stubbornness and selfishness).

Okay, I can see you all nodding here, saying "Yes, yes, that happened to me last week," and "Oh my goodness YES!," or even "Sigh, I sure wish I would have listened to God's still small voice to begin with. I could have avoided a huge mess." Stories abound about how when we try to walk in God's wisdom and ways, unforeseen happenstances arrive later and we are reassured that yes, God is omnipotent, omniscient, and the creator of the universe so we should walk in His footsteps along the paths He has laid. Also as prevalent are the stories (I can think of several!) where people ignore the cues and the guidance before us, depending on our own flawed, incomplete, and fallible wisdom, and suffer because of it (and hopefully learn to heed God's infallible and perfect wisdom the next time.

All of this is to share some events of the past few months, and how God has brought it all together to amaze me with His goodness and foresight. For months I have struggled with health issues, fraught with uncertainty, confusion, and frustration, while simultaneously I wanted to get away and embarked on a sort of spiritual wilderness to seek Him, get closer to Him, and find out what I needed to know. I felt the urge and need to reach out to a friend I had not long spoken to, to heal a rift, and inevitably to schedule a visit. While there, I felt something prick my soul, an unease with the situation, and, unsure why, I rescheduled my return flight to get home nearly three days sooner.  I could not explain the urge--it was a feeling of unease, tension, uncertainty, a vague nagging that I had to get home. Within hours of changing my flight, the following happened:

• the nurse called from my doctor's office informing me the long-awatied procedures were scheduled for the following week. These procedures necessitate five days of preparation,  a three-hour trip 24 hours prior to stay near the hospital (in Winston Salem), and a chaperone.  A very dear friend signed up for that before I could even ask the whole question
• my husband informed me he would be gone during that procedure to help our daughter in Mississippi with her fundrasising event next weekend
• our friend who was helping Alex take care of the dogs learned her father had just suffered a stroke; she would no longer be able to take care of our dogs Monday (the day I'd have been flying home)
• because a bear was continuing to terrorize our chickens, decimating the flock to one poor little hen, we needed to find someone to adopt her. Another dear friend volunteered to take her.

As hard to follow as that may be for many readers (or maybe not hard...I dont know how lucid this all sounds), all of these things reassured me that yes, I made the right decision to come out here, to reconnect, to withdraw early, to change my flight at the last minute. And reinforced how beautiful is God's perfect plan.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways,”

declares the Lord.

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“As the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9 NIV)