Difficult people are not new--although the modern world would have you believe they are. Nowadays we call them "toxic" people, and a simple Google search will unveil dozens of grocery lists on how to identify a toxic person, what to do with a toxic person, how to cut toxic people out of your life, dealing with toxic people biblically, and even a recipe for a "toxic person detox." How do I reconcile God's command to love one another, including, no, especially, those who do not love us back, with my desire to punch someone in the throat? How do I balance the seemingly dichotomous commands of "love thy neighbor" with "light has no fellowship with dark?"
This is something I struggle with, and I know I am not alone when I say I have some super difficult people in my life--some days more than others. How their toxicity affects me seems to be relative to four areas: the frequency of interaction, my relationship with that person, the state of my heart, and of course, the state of my soul. The rude customer at my volunteer job, the guy flipping me off because I actually stopped at the red light, estranged family members unwilling to let go of the past, anyone exhibiting passive aggressive behavior, and even folks I "meet" online--difficult, toxic people are everywhere. And while it may seem convenient to lump people into two categories--safe/unsafe, clean/toxic, easy/difficult--it is far more realistic to, gulp!, admit we are ALL difficult at one time or another, because we are all sinful, selfish, prideful beings. There are not two camps of "toxic" vs "non-toxic" humans. Sadly, we are all more than capable and too well-versed in being difficult to each other...the impatient "WHAT?!" hollered at our kids when they repeat our name for the fifth time, the eye roll at our parents when they dare to give us advice, the silent treatment we give our spouses when they don't respond exactly how we expected or wanted, the curt "Fine!" we mutter instead of actually discussing hurt feelings. And, when we experience difficult people, and suffer as a result of our exposure to them, we don't always learn from those encounters...we close up, fight back, and try to handle it ourselves, instead of creating healthy boundaries, praying for those who intend to harm us, and giving it over to God. In other words, we take actions and react instead of responding as Jesus would have us respond. And no, I do not mean to always turn the other cheek and become a doormat or a punching bag; even Jesus was silent, or even went away, when confronted with difficult human beings.
Setting boundaries, praying, humility, communion with the father...the best advice I have found to date takes into account all these options: aptly titled "A Father's Wise Instruction," Proverbs 4. In it, we are urged to guard our hearts, and to avoid the path of the wicked, and reminded that what is in our hearts, flows out of our hearts and touches those around us. We are not responsible for how others treat us, but we are responsible for how we respond to them. We don't "sink to their level," or fight fire with fire, or get into a war of words on Facebook. We are to reflect the gospel, the good news, in all that we do, even in times of attack and hurt.
Do I always take this advice? Uh, nope...not even close. Recently someone tried to poison my heart with hate and accusations and lies. Two years ago, no, even a year ago, I would have been immersed in self-pity, hate, and would have let the actions of one selfish person strip me of my joy. And while I did just that for about 8 hours (my old self--old habits die hard), I have put off old relationships, relationships that are hurtful and toxic. Now, I rest in the Comforter, taking solace in this process of sanctification, and ever grateful for His Grace...his boundless, beautiful grace. I seek the Lord, and His Word, and take comfort in the knowledge that (a) the Lord hates these actions even more than I hate them (Proverbs 6:16-19), and (b) He has made me a new creation, one that will not yoke herself together with unbelievers (2 Corinthians 16:14).
My prayer: Restore in me the joy that comes from being Your child, the love You have for me unending, and the peace that comes from knowing you are God. Help me to remain calm, joyous, and peaceful. Guard my heart from responding negatively to those who would hurt me. And guard my lips from reacting wrongly and thereby hurting others.
Let your eyes look directly forward,
and your gaze be straight before you.
Ponder the path of your feet,
then all your ways will be sure.
Do not swerve to the right or to the left;
turn your foot from evil.
(Proverbs 4:25-27)
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