On apologies and forgiveness

Forgiveness.  One of the basic tenets of the Christian faith.  Love one another.  Forgive one another.  Repent for your sins.  You'd think most Christians would be experts at forgiveness by now, that we would breeze right through this and move on to something a little more difficult.  Maybe that is because we confuse empty apologies with real repentance.  So, what is forgiveness?   And why do I fret so much over whether or not someone accepts my forgiveness or forgives me?  Why is forgiveness from a person (which is temporary and capricious and conditional) more important to me than the totally undeserved and no strings attached, unconditional forgiveness from God?  Do I really need forgiveness for perceived slights or bygone hurts from someone who couldn’t care less if I accept it?  More than I absolutely depend on God’s gracious blanket pardon of sins past, present and future?   And do I really mean it (and I mean REALLY) when I pronounce I am here to glorify God?  Or am I just jumping up and down flapping my arms and hollering “hey!  Over here!  look at me!   I forgive you! “

And then there is the incessant need to apologize, to say "Sorry" as a prelude to rationalizing bad behavior, being late for an appointment, for losing my temper, for, well, everything.  It's one of the first concepts children have drummed into them--to say "I'm sorry" when they do something wrong.  Instead of teaching them to admit their mistake, and to actually seek forgiveness from mom, dad, baby sister, teacher, or the dog, we shake our fingers at them and demand them to "tell Daddy you are sorry for spilling your milk," and "tell the dog you're sorry for stepping on her tail" or "Apologize this instant for hitting your brother."  We   confuse the two actions--apologizing (passive placating) and asking forgiveness (actively taking accountability for wrongdoing), and most of the things we apologize for are not even intentional acts of omission or commission, but accidents.  So, kids grow up thinking two things--that they are responsible for everything, and conversely, as long as they say "sorry," they are responsible for nothing.  Forgiveness is not even sought--the mumbled "sorry" covers all wrongs, and the other party (who may or may not have been actually wronged) doesn't have to do anything--hearing the "sorry" implies absolution.

Over the past few years I have learned a lot about myself, my tendencies, and my weaknesses, and I have come face-to-face with the specter of meaningless apologizing, with being the perpetual victim that being continually sorry for everything entails.  And I have realized, quite painfully and regretfully, that the majority of the instances I apologize for, I am either not responsible for, or, more likely than not, that I am intentionally sinning.  Yes, sinning, folks...not just "messing up" or "screwing up" or "forgetting". I have wronged someone, and thereby have wronged God, and by not actively seeking forgiveness, I have disqualified myself from worshiping Him.   In that act,  by not ASKING for and actively SEEKING forgiveness, I also have shot myself in the foot and have made myself incapable of receiving true forgiveness.  From the other person.  And more importantly, from the Holy One, the creator of the universe.  Just because God's forgiveness is a given, through the action of Jesus dying on the cross, does in no way mean we should not repent.  

And I am not talking about reconciliation, either.  At least not human reconciliation.  Asking forgiveness and being genuinely repentant for our actions towards or against another person does not guarantee that person will accept our request and actually grant forgiveness.  If that person is a Christian, then hopefully someone in their church circle will step up and start the process referenced in Matthew 18.  But if that person refuses to grant forgiveness, or will not ask for forgiveness, then it is that person who is disobeying God.  As Paul says in Romans 12:18, "if possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men.’"  If possible, he says. Meaning, it is a 50-50 deal, and if I have in good faith repented and asked forgiveness, then my role is finished.   The rest is up to the other person. Now as for repenting and asking for God's forgiveness,  that, my friends, is a "whole nuther ball of wax" as my daddy used to say.  We are commanded to repent, compelled to repent for our sins, because the mere presence of God's spirit in my soul pricks me and forces me to see the ugliness of my sin, and I ask God's forgiveness and He grants it. Absolutely. Immediately.  This is not a 50-50 deal...more like an all or nothing situation.   And that is where I lose sleep.  And obsess. Confusing one with the other.  And, stupidly and blindly missing out on the greatest gift of all time.  

But, not for long.  Because that still voice in me urges me, no forces me, to admit my sin, repent, and then throw that sin away.  And eventually, to forget it.  

As for my obsessive need for closure and acceptance and repentance and forgiveness from my fellow humans?  I am sill dealing with that, but knowing the enemy is half the battle--I see you, oh victim mentality, and I know who you are!  I know your tricks, and your games, and your whiny, whimpering self-deprecation, and you are not who I am.  I am His, and He is in me, and His grace covers a multitude of sins.