Pride goeth before the...

I see it in others.  In my brother who, even though he’s mentally retarded, has the innate selfish nature of a young child, who wants his own way. I see it in my brother-in-law when he talks about his network, his "people" who can get him great deals, his justification and rationalization of misappropriating money.  I see it in my husband when he tries to minimize his brother's actions so he can maintain a relationship.  I see it in my sisters who think ill of me just because my parents chose me to handle things after their deaths.  I even see it in strangers in their thinly veiled attempts at validation in their posts on Facebook.  But what about me?   What is this blind spot that I so willingly allow to cover my prideful thoughts, my insecurities, my need for validation?

I argued with my husband today...all day.  Off and on, but all day. Not yelling or confrontational or in his face.  No, the little digs and comments under my breath, the kind of fighting that sneaks up on the other person, then runs and hides behind false civility and an innocent look of, "Who? Me?" Because selfishly, pridefully, yes sinfully, I want to be in control of everything in my life, including those things others have to work out for themselves. Especially things that involve our life together.  And I lie to myself that I feel the need to help (translation, to control), because we are married, we are one, and because he is me and I am him and we are one together. Right.  I am me.  Me.  Me.  Me.  And I want to know when, why, how, what, and where for just about everything that affects us.  Because I trust no one.  

Not even him.

Sounds awful, doesn't it?  

And no matter how many times I tell myself it is because of all the hurt and betrayal I have endured, it is actually because of my pride.  Pride that is camouflaged as insecurity.  Pride that hides behind rationalizing.  Pride disguised as the strong survivor/former victim. 

Pride that goes before the fall. The fall from submitting to God's will. Because pride is more than just being arrogant or full of oneself or thinking I am superior to others.  Pride is putting my will, the will of SELF, before all else, including focusing on my own problems, my own fears, my own desires.