Out of Sorts

Out of sorts...what a nice, polite euphemism for depression! Today I got up at 9 am, went back to bed at 10:30 and slept until 2:30. Out of sorts?

You know that feeling you get when you just don't feel like yourself? You know something is wrong, but you just cannot put your finger on it? That is how I have felt for the past two weeks, like there is this weight crushing down on me, making me tired and sad and short-tempered. I can't explain it. And I am not even sure I want to try to explain it. It's too damn exhausting. But I have a fairly good idea what it is...it's baaa--ack. I thought I had it beat, that maybe I had pushed it into a corner where it would stay and not bother me ever again. Ha. Now that's funny.

Well, not really funny, not in a ha ha ha way, but funny in a "you have got to be kidding me!" kind of way. Depression does not ever go away, not really. It is not a temporary sadness, or a let-down over not getting something you really want. Depression is pervasive, and as much a part of me as my freckles and my weird shaped toes. I can hide it, dress it up, learn to live with it, or push through it, but the darkness is always there, like a heavy fog just hovering over me, or seeping out under the door. Shit, I am running out of metaphors and similes.  It's so hard to explain the feeling, the overwhelming sense of not being like most folks. 

But do you know what is strange? As suffocating as depression is, I can pinpoint exactly what precipitates it, and, despite being in a very dark place, I see life more clearly than in any other frame of mind. Perhaps because depression is SO dark, and so overwhelming, all the trappings and bullshit and nonsense get stripped away--they just aren't necessary and do not matter at all. The result? A clarity of thought and discernment that, while crucial to my sanity, unfortunately, makes me more sarcastic and cynical than usual, more matter-of-fact and blunt than many would find comfortable, and, may I say, abrasive and abrupt in pointing out stupidity and group think.

So, why am I "out of sorts" now? Well, the short answer is, because our recent vacation got curtailed and hijacked by some stupid virus. But the real reason goes deeper than that; it involves betrayal, lawsuits, deaths of all our parents, the stress of managing estates and probate, taking on the caregiving again, best friend getting divorced, stepdaughter's marriage crumbling; dishonest, manipulative family members; worries about kids, home improvement projects, and just daily life. Which is why I needed a vacation. Here is where it gets "funny,"--our long-awaited, much anticipated, and greatly needed trip to Spain is ruined the day we arrive. We have to stay in the hotel, change our return flights, and come home 2 weeks early. Jet-lagged. Still. Back into full-time caregiving, with no respite this time because the special needs day services are on hold for health reasons. Back into managing two estates because sometimes family just sucks. Back into helping friends and kids navigate life's issues. Back to the tasks of finishing the garage and getting the RV ready to sell and finding a car for our daughter to use when she and her family come stateside this spring--correction, if they come stateside this spring.

You know what I am NOT depressed about, though? The coronavirus. Yes, it's a global pandemic, and yes, I take it seriously. I take health and safety and well-being of me and my family quite seriously. And yes, it is, at best, an inconvenience, and at worst, a huge wrench messing up the our lives, making us reschedule things, forcing us to get used to doing things differently, and it is frightening, and uncertain, and has created an era of uncertainty for work, payroll, health systems, school, holidays, events, and sports--this event has impacted every aspect of life in nearly every one of the 180 plus countries it has infected.

I may always feel the darkness, I may never rid myself of the specter of depression, and I may never be "normal."  

BUT, because I have Christ, I have hope. And though my earthly hopes and dreams may be crushed, and plans laid to waste, I hope in my life with Him through eternity.

Because I have Christ, I have joy. Sure, I may not look very joyful; in fact, I may look miserable. Don't confuse happiness with joy, though. We will always have unhappiness and sadness and death and uncertainty in the world.  But Christ is my joy.

Because I have Christ, I have faith that He will see us through this. He will see us THROUGH--through being the operative word.  We will not start into a situation or a problem or a crisis and get stuck in it. We will, by the grace and benevolence of God, get through it and, by definition, to the other side.

Because I have Christ, I KNOW God is in charge, God is in control, and nothing this world throws at me will make me believe otherwise.  Not even the coronavirus.

Undeserved crown

Over a year ago, we planned this trip--a trip to Spain, the birthplace of my mother-in-law and the home of her entire family. A trip intended to mourn her passing and celebrate her life, to relive memories and moments, to cry and laugh and hug and remember. Through no fault of our own, we had to keep delaying the trip, time after time after time, as family crises arose and more sweet souls went to that great beyond. Life happened, in other words. So, finally, over a year after sweet Conchita's death, we left our home in the North Carolina mountains and headed to the sweet, orange scented beauty of southern Spain, and excited to see family and later, to escape to beautiful places surrounding Seville where just the two of us could recapture that spark, rejuvenate our souls, and just enjoy being us--no deaths, no kids, no pets, no responsibilities, no caregiving duties. Hotel reservations made, splurged on business class for the long transatlantic flight, earmarked special must-see places on Trip Advisor--we were raring to go. Nothing was going to stand in our way. Nothing.  

Yeah, nothing but a tiny, submicroscopic infectious agent shaped, fittingly enough, like a crown. Coronavirus, COVID-19, has been crowned, at least currently, as the queen of the modern world, wreaking havoc in practically every area of life across the globe. What started as a mere footnote in central China rapidly became the bold print headline dominating all forms of media. First China, then Iran and Italy were affected, and world health organizations scrambled to contain it, understand it, limit it. Characteristically arrogant and nonplussed, we Americans (including us) went about life, creating and sharing memes on FaceBook, and acted as if our super-power status could insulate us from the panic abroad. Heck, thirty minutes before our flight departed from Miami we listened to the Presidential proclamation limiting travel in the EU, then just shrugged it off and boarded our plane for Spain. We arrived the next day, hugged family, checked into our hotel, recovered from jet lag, and made plans for a Spanish family reunion in the park.

That was Thursday. Less than 36 hours later, we are stuck in our hotel, incredulous as entire countries shut down. We pour over news reports on BBC, the Department of Homeland Security, the State Department, Google, and, of course, FaceBook. We hear rumors and try to validate them. We search for truth and verification and guidance as to what to do, where to go, should we stay or should we go. I am alternately irritated, angry, and cavalier about the whole situation--irritated that statistics are being manipulated, angry that our vacation has been ruined, but cavalier about the implications of how this happened. We contact our travel agent to arrange an early return, complain about the inconvenience and the unfairness to each other and to family and friends, and then, suddenly, I stop. Not only has this virion become the queen of the media--I have allowed it be queen of my thoughts, my decison-making, my mood. Not once have I prayed about it, asked God for guidance, thanked God for the blessing of even being able to embark on such a journey. No, I instead complained and whined and scoured human sources for an answer, for direction. I allowed this virus, a creation of the Creator, to supplant the Creator.  

I have so much to learn, so far to grow.