Out of Sorts

Out of sorts...what a nice, polite euphemism for depression! Today I got up at 9 am, went back to bed at 10:30 and slept until 2:30. Out of sorts?

You know that feeling you get when you just don't feel like yourself? You know something is wrong, but you just cannot put your finger on it? That is how I have felt for the past two weeks, like there is this weight crushing down on me, making me tired and sad and short-tempered. I can't explain it. And I am not even sure I want to try to explain it. It's too damn exhausting. But I have a fairly good idea what it is...it's baaa--ack. I thought I had it beat, that maybe I had pushed it into a corner where it would stay and not bother me ever again. Ha. Now that's funny.

Well, not really funny, not in a ha ha ha way, but funny in a "you have got to be kidding me!" kind of way. Depression does not ever go away, not really. It is not a temporary sadness, or a let-down over not getting something you really want. Depression is pervasive, and as much a part of me as my freckles and my weird shaped toes. I can hide it, dress it up, learn to live with it, or push through it, but the darkness is always there, like a heavy fog just hovering over me, or seeping out under the door. Shit, I am running out of metaphors and similes.  It's so hard to explain the feeling, the overwhelming sense of not being like most folks. 

But do you know what is strange? As suffocating as depression is, I can pinpoint exactly what precipitates it, and, despite being in a very dark place, I see life more clearly than in any other frame of mind. Perhaps because depression is SO dark, and so overwhelming, all the trappings and bullshit and nonsense get stripped away--they just aren't necessary and do not matter at all. The result? A clarity of thought and discernment that, while crucial to my sanity, unfortunately, makes me more sarcastic and cynical than usual, more matter-of-fact and blunt than many would find comfortable, and, may I say, abrasive and abrupt in pointing out stupidity and group think.

So, why am I "out of sorts" now? Well, the short answer is, because our recent vacation got curtailed and hijacked by some stupid virus. But the real reason goes deeper than that; it involves betrayal, lawsuits, deaths of all our parents, the stress of managing estates and probate, taking on the caregiving again, best friend getting divorced, stepdaughter's marriage crumbling; dishonest, manipulative family members; worries about kids, home improvement projects, and just daily life. Which is why I needed a vacation. Here is where it gets "funny,"--our long-awaited, much anticipated, and greatly needed trip to Spain is ruined the day we arrive. We have to stay in the hotel, change our return flights, and come home 2 weeks early. Jet-lagged. Still. Back into full-time caregiving, with no respite this time because the special needs day services are on hold for health reasons. Back into managing two estates because sometimes family just sucks. Back into helping friends and kids navigate life's issues. Back to the tasks of finishing the garage and getting the RV ready to sell and finding a car for our daughter to use when she and her family come stateside this spring--correction, if they come stateside this spring.

You know what I am NOT depressed about, though? The coronavirus. Yes, it's a global pandemic, and yes, I take it seriously. I take health and safety and well-being of me and my family quite seriously. And yes, it is, at best, an inconvenience, and at worst, a huge wrench messing up the our lives, making us reschedule things, forcing us to get used to doing things differently, and it is frightening, and uncertain, and has created an era of uncertainty for work, payroll, health systems, school, holidays, events, and sports--this event has impacted every aspect of life in nearly every one of the 180 plus countries it has infected.

I may always feel the darkness, I may never rid myself of the specter of depression, and I may never be "normal."  

BUT, because I have Christ, I have hope. And though my earthly hopes and dreams may be crushed, and plans laid to waste, I hope in my life with Him through eternity.

Because I have Christ, I have joy. Sure, I may not look very joyful; in fact, I may look miserable. Don't confuse happiness with joy, though. We will always have unhappiness and sadness and death and uncertainty in the world.  But Christ is my joy.

Because I have Christ, I have faith that He will see us through this. He will see us THROUGH--through being the operative word.  We will not start into a situation or a problem or a crisis and get stuck in it. We will, by the grace and benevolence of God, get through it and, by definition, to the other side.

Because I have Christ, I KNOW God is in charge, God is in control, and nothing this world throws at me will make me believe otherwise.  Not even the coronavirus.