Right now, with all the hubbub over the coronavirus, the focus is on health and cleaning and preventing sickness. What better time, then, to clean all the dirt and cobwebs out of my emotional closet?
Yeah, yeah. I realize I have talked about this before, cutting ties with people who are harmful to my emotional and spiritual well-being. But, when it comes to my family, that is, the one I was born into, I have spent my entire adult life trying to cut ties with three of them--my mom and my two living sisters. And what I have learned is that saying you are cutting ties, and actually doing it are two completely different processes; carrying it out is not easy, or even guaranteed to stick. Especially because I am, and always have been, the scapegoat, the eager to please person, the one trying to earn their love and their approval. I have always listened to their rants, apologized for things I didn't do or say, struggled to keep the communication channels open, sent cards and letters and gifts that were never reciprocated. After every toxic episode, every hurtful event, I have second guessed everything I said and did, playing the drama over and over again in my head until I am convinced it is ME who is crazy, ME who misconstrues things, ME who is manipulative, ME who is toxic. And when I get to that point, like I am right now, all I want to do is cry and curl up in the fetal position and go to bed and never get up again. Of course, that is not an option, and is not even close to a healthy response.
Everyone has their own opinion and their own ideas on how to deal with this, and the solutions are all over the spectrum, from "forgive and forget" to "tell them to *&!% off," to "pray for them" to "explain it to your sisters," to "have limited contact." None of these work. At all. Or ever will. The level of manipulation they have, and still are, creating is impossible for me to explain to a normal, rational person. Solutions others give me are rational solutions, meant for rational people, not for toxic, narcissistic people with severe personality disorders. Regardless of what I say, what I do, nothing gets through to them; it's as if I am speaking Japanese, or trying to explain the theory of relativity to a two-year old, or teach a cow how to run on two legs. And I am frustrated and sad and angry and disappointed, mostly all aimed at myself.
Sure, I have read the Psalms and I know I am covered by God's grace, and I know all of this will end and I will spend eternity in heaven by Jesus' side. And I know He is the judge, and He has a purpose for everything, and that nothing surprises Him. However, that does not stop me feeling like a very weak Christian right now, because I cannot find peace in this situation, there is no scripture that can tell me how to deal with this, no prayer to make it all go away. And the only way I can make this bearable, make it so I can move on with my life, is by cutting ties completely.
I have tried in the past, and have failed. And I will more than likely fail again, and get sucked into their drama and their lies again. Like forgiveness, cutting ties is a lifelong process.
No comments:
Post a Comment