Thirty years ago I married my best friend. We were both divorced, we were both parents, and we brought all that baggage into our new marriage. I had two girls, he had one daughter; I had custody of mine, he did not have custody of his. Thus began a complicated saga of parenting roles, summer visitations with the non-custodial parents, and a logistical nightmare of coordinating those visitations with our schedules, the military, and flying minor children across the country. Fortunately Alex and I attended premarital counseling at our church to expose any disconnects and inconsistencies in financial management, spiritual beliefs, life goals, and especially child-rearing. And despite my unwillingness to relinquish control of parenting my daughters, we eventually sorted it all out, and Alex grew into the role of stepdad with consummate ease, an ease I am still envious of to this day. Making it easier for him (and my daughters) to adjust was the obvious fact that we all lived under the same roof, sharing joys and sorrows and temper tantrums and growing pains for all but two weeks a year. We were (and still are) a very close family. The relationship with his daughter though has been fraught with conflicts and misunderstandings and missteps since day one, and I have tried (too hard sometimes, perhaps) to wear the mantle of stepmother with grace and ease I do not always possess. It has been anything but. Thirty-two years ago, my stepdaughter was three years old when I met her, and five years old when her dad and I tied the knot; I still struggle to have a close relationship with her, as well as with her children. And am rebuffed.
Mistake #1: Initially, I tried, boy I tried, to be her mom during her short visits in the summer or the rare holiday, but let's face it: she already had a mom, and even five year olds aren't stupid enough or naive enough to believe they can have two moms. She has a wonderful mom, who she loves (as she should!), and all I did was confuse her and me and my heart.
Mistake #2: Lying to myself, I told myself I could love my stepdaughter the same way and as much as my own daughters. While I loved her from the first day I met her (she was, after all, the daughter of the man I love), pretending to believe I could love her the same way I loved the human beings I gave birth to was plain stupid, and I am sure she saw through it.
Mistake #3: Venting about my husband's ex, or about his daughter's shortcomings or misbehavior only served to ratchet up the stress I was already feeling. No one, especially not my husband, needed to hear my litany of sorrows and perceived slights. More importantly, these feelings, when vented, did not go away...they simply percolated and festered, thereby subconsciously affecting how I treated said stepchild (and they were not edifying for our marriage, either).
Mistake #4: Thinking I could fix things, I often barged into territory where I did not belong. My parenting methods worked for my children, but trying to apply my philosophy on child-rearing on a little girl who we only saw two weeks out of the year was fool-hardy, and ended up being disastrous when I put my nose where it did not belong when she was 19. This caused a rift so huge, we were shut out of her life for 10 long years, years during which she became a mom. Thus, my interference contributed to an alienation that I am still struggling to heal.
Mistake #5: For years, I blamed myself for not being close enough to her, for not trying hard enough, for not understanding her, for pushing her away, for not having the perfect "blended family" one sees on sitcoms and at movies. During the ten years we were being "shunned", I put all the blame on my shoulders, instead of realizing we all shared that blame (and really, what did it matter anyway whose fault it was?). All that self-pity and self-flagellation, and burgeoning resentment only resulted in wasted time that could have been, no should have been, spent loving family that was present, and praying for family that was not.
Mistake #6: Repeating all the above mistakes with my new "step-grandkids," a boy and a girl we did not even meet until they were 7 and 8 years old, respectively. Trying to insert my way into their lives, and their hearts, I instead felt frustrated and aggravated and defeated. Again, we only see them MAYBE 15-20 days each year, so to think we could just be as close as we are to our other four grandkids is a silly pipe dream. We love them all, and enjoy time with each one of them, but we do have a lot more building blocks with children we have been connected with since their birth.
Okay, so now that I have laid all that out there, where do we go from here? I wish I could be that nonchalant and fun and loving parent of adult kids/grandparent my husband is at this stage of our lives. I envy the ease with which he communicates and relates to all our children and grandchildren--it all just comes so naturally to him. Despite the decade lost, he has positioned himself squarely and comfortably in his daughter's life and our "new" grandkids' lives, being his silly self (admittedly sometimes a bit too silly). Me? I try too hard and overthink things said and unsaid, cards not sent, imagined slights, with everyone, but especially with this "step"daughter of mine, and her children. I want acceptance and love. I want to be their Nana. I want to be her friend.
Sadly, that has not happened. Instead, she again has blocked us, blaming me for everything, and has cut the ties with me and with her father, and nothing we say or do can fix that. We are broken and human and sinners.
Why must it be so damn complicated?
Life always is. Especially when we break the rules and don't live by the Book. God gave us those commandments for a reason, and then we are all shocked and surprised that things are a mess when we break them.
Lord give me strength and peace and wisdom to help uncomplicate things.
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