Dealing with the unexpected

Life. It throws all kinds of things at us--good, bad, horrible, wonderful. Does not matter who you are, where you live, your age or your income, life will sneak up on you and take your breath away. At times you may be amazed and excited and can barely speak because of the blessings. But other times, you get dealt such a horrible blow, it knocks the breath right out of you like a punch in the gut, or like an elephant sitting on your chest. Everything seems okay, something happens and you think you are handling it, that it will all come together, when BAM! Life turns completely upside down, your world is on the brink of collapse, and you have nowhere to go, no one to turn to. Your situation is hopeless, you are lost, there is nothing you can do. Even Christians with strong faith get sucked into the pit of despair. 

The past 18 months have been a test of our mettle, stretching our faith to its absolute limit. And right now, I am having trouble holding on. And lost as to what to do, how to help, unable to wrap my head around this. This new family crisis threatens to crush all of us.

Our son-in-law, husband of our daughter, father of little Sophie, is in the Navy. He has been stationed out west on an unaccompanied tour for nearly two years while his family is in Mississippi. Last year he thumbed his nose at some Navy regulations, covered it up, and when he was discovered, tried to delay the inevitable punishment by committing a crime. A crime of which he thought he could manage the consequences, but it got worse. He got caught, and has been on administrative hold for nine months and faced a court-martial this week. We could not do anthying to fix it, to mitigate it, other than be with him this past weekend, testify on his behalf, and then wait for the outcome. 

That outcome came this evening. His sentence: 12 months confinement, reduction in grade (rank) from E-7 to E-4, and a fine of over $30,000. Although we were prepared for it, and though we knew it could have been worse, that news has knocked the breath out of us, especially his wife. The financial burden is cataclysmic, let alone the shame, embarrassment, and anger over his actions and its consequences. The impact on their marriage, their relationship will be huge, and can only be healed with time and lots of talking. And prayer. 

We knew 9 months ago this day was coming, and struggled with the decision of how to help, how to be there for our daughter who now had to get a job, find healthcare and benefits for her and her daughter, and rethink her entire life. We thought about the issues she would face, and face alone. We knew what we had to do; we simply did not want to do it. Not now. Not in retirement. 

Then we remembered we are only here for the blink of an eye, a moment in time; we are here to help others, especially those whom God has given us to love and raise. So we are buying a house in Mississippi, four minutes from our daughter, so we can go back and forth and help wherever we can--childcare, daily chores, home maintenance, finances, and most of all, to be the light to lead her out of the darkness of this horrible situation.  

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth give way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." (Psalm 46:1-3 ESV)

A time for everything

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:

2 a time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
3 a time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
4 a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
5 a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
6 a time to seek, and a time to lose;
a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
7 a time to tear, and a time to sew;
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
8 a time to love, and a time to hate;
a time for war, and a time for peace.

The God-Given Task

9 What gain has the worker from his toil? 10 I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. 12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;13 also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil—this is God's gift to man.

14 I perceived that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it. God has done it, so that people fear before him. 15 That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already has been; and God seeks what has been driven away.[a]

From Dust to Dust

16 Moreover, I saw under the sun that in the place of justice, even there was wickedness, and in the place of righteousness, even there was wickedness. 17 I said in my heart, God will judge the righteous and the wicked, for there is a time for every matter and for every work. 18 I said in my heart with regard to the children of man that God is testing them that they may see that they themselves are but beasts. 19 For what happens to the children of man and what happens to the beasts is the same; as one dies, so dies the other. They all have the same breath, and man has no advantage over the beasts, for all is vanity.[b] 20 All go to one place. All are from the dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows whether the spirit of man goes upward and the spirit of the beast goes down into the earth? 22 So I saw that there is nothing better than that a man should rejoice in his work, for that is his lot. Who can bring him to see what will be after him?

Stages

Life is a series of stages, each one building on the other and, ideally, we are wiser as we leave one stage and enter a new one.  Infancy, childhood, adolescence, young adult, married without kids, married with kids, working, retired, grandparents, elderly...all the stages meld seamlessly, effortlessly, and nearly imperceptibly into each other.  During each stage we think we know what to expect in the next stage, but many times we are so entangled and busy in one stage, we don't even notice as we move from one to the next. Perspective is different as well; in infancy and childhood we are all about self, the here and now, immediate gratification.  Then comes adolescence, a time of yearning for something more, a time of inward and outward rebellion, of straining forward to reach adulthood.   No longer focused on the present, and with little to no regard for the past, we propel ourselves quickly through our teenage years, eager to get our independence, excited to break the bonds of authority.  As we careen, sometimes carelessly, into young adulthood, we are breathless and excited and curious and full of hope for the future.  We think we've got the bull by the horns, that we are actually driving our own car through life, making our own decisions, master of our fate.  Ahh, but then the reality of being responsible for others, to others, with others, hits us like a freight train.  Whether we are married or single, parents or not, we are ultimately responsible somewhere for or to someone--a boss, coworkers, children, spouse, friends.   With this truth staring us in the face, we hunker down at the grindstone--working, parenting, chasing that dream, that fulfillment, that excitement we dreamed about in our teens.  We think we are immortal, that life is, whether good, bad, or indifferent, a never-ending journey.  We don't really think about the future (except to maybe collect stuff), and we are so busy we barely have time to sleep let alone reminisce about the past.  We grow older, retire from our jobs, our kids leave and pursue their own dreams, and voila!  We are suddenly thrust into that future that only yesterday was nebulous and unachievable.  Let's face it:  we are past middle-aged (unless the human lifespan somehow magically changes to 125 years), and we are a bit nonplussed, to say the least.  We have more time on our hands, which is good because we tire easier, and  the only thing that gets thinner each year is our patience.  At first we think, great!  We are retired!  Now the fun begins!  We can do what we want, when we want to, with whom we want to.  But then, as it always does, life happens.  People we love are aging at what seems to us an alarming rate, becoming more frail, needing more help, and suddenly we feel ourselves willing them to live longer, to not grow old, to not, gulp, die.  Because that forces us to face our death, our mortality, our inevitable passing into the final stage of life--death.  Now we are throwing ourselves into the moment, the present, and reflecting more and more on the past, and trying not to focus (too much anyway) on the future.  We become more spiritual, less self-centered.  We look back on the stages we have passed through, shaking our heads at how silly and myopic we were "back then."  And we finally get it...this is life.  This is what it is all about. Of all the stages I have been in, this is the hardest, the most fulfilling, the most joyful, peaceful, stressful, and wonderful time. I simultaneously love this stage of life and hate it--I love who I am, what I have accomplished, and how I have persevered, but I hate losing friends and family.  In the past three years, I have learned more about life and God and myself and how those things are all intertwined, than in the 60 years previous.  So while this is the hardest time of my life, and there are things right now that truly don't seem fair, that make my heart ache and wake me in the middle of the night with a fright, I am so happy I am here.  Love in the past and present and future.  Birth and death, growth and loss, making the most of relationships with those we love, letting go of the people, places, and things that do not bring us joy and glorify our Creator.  And focusing on that final stage.  When we will be made perfect in Him.  Forever.