We just celebrated thanksgiving here in our beautiful log home in North Carolina; some family was here, and a new friend. Some family was missing, but our days were full and blessed with laughter, joy, good food and fellowship. Now I am all alone, waiting to leave tomorrow, and I find myself yearning to have something to do. To keep busy. Bemoaning that I have no car here to "go do something". No tv. No wifi. No Starbucks.
I have music and books. And God's beauty all around me. But I don't feel good today. I am achy and have yet another migraine. I start to feel sorry for myself. Stupid disease. Horrible migraines. A mother who hates me. Sisters who are distant. A daughter living thousands of miles away. Being misunderstood the other night over something I said. Woe is me. Poor poor pitiful me. Then I recall the words of James: "consider it all joy, brethren, when you encounter various trials for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. And let perseverance be perfect, so you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing."
And the prayer of Hezekiah, king of Judah, after a recovery from a long illness:
"Like a swallow I utter shrill cries, I moan like a dove. My eyes grow weak, gazing heavenward. O lord, I am in straits; be my surety! What am I to say or tell him? He has done it! I shall go through all my years despite the bitterness of my soul. Those live whom The Lord protects; yours the life if my spirit. You have given me health and life, thus is my bitterness transformed into peace. You have preserved my life from the pit of destruction, when you cast behind your back all my sins. For it is not the nether world that gives you thanks, nor death that praises You, neither do those who go down into the pit await your kindness. The living.The living give you thanks, as I do today."
And so I give God thanks. For all things. For pain.For sorrow. For life's trials and tribulations. And I pray God delivers me for myself. From the need to be "busy". For "busy" is another word for "me". In this pseudo busy world of technology and (anti)-social media. Lord teach me to rest. To rest in you. My current favorite artist, Audrey Assad, captures my thoughts in one if her new songs:
From the love of my own comfort
From the fear of having nothing
From the life of worldly passions
Deliver me, Oh God
From the need to be understood
From the need to be accepted
From the fear of being lonely
Deliver me, Oh God
I shall not want, I shall not want,
When I taste your goodness, I shall not want
From the fear of serving others
From the fear of death or trial
From the fear of humility
Deliver me, Oh God"
Deliver me God. Into your blissful peace.
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