Yes I know. Erma Bombeck came up with that line. But there is no other way of accurately describing how I feel. Family ties- inextricably linked by our gene pool.
Although at times, I think I was adopted...
I grew up in a home where neither of my parents were close to their siblings or cousins, or even to each other, for that matter-- except long enough to make five children. My parents divorced after 15 years of nearly non-stop arguing, when I was 9 years old, and our house became much more peaceful then. But we still had very little contact with relatives, other than an occasional visit with my maternal grandparents in Toledo, my great aunt, Sister Mary Patricia, or a chance encounter with cousins on my dad's side while on a weekend visit with him. My dad and his only brother never really communicated, and still don't to this day; my mom seldom heard from her brothers and sister, except for the occasional Christmas card; she has one living sibling, her sister--and they do not talk to this date. So, we grew up thinking this was the norm, I guess--that family isn't meant to be close. The only loving family ties I witnessed were those between my mom and her parents, and my Uncle Rob and my Nana.
As I grew older, I couldn't help but notice the differences between my family and family relationships in my friends' lives. They celebrated holidays together, called each other just to chat about things, got their hair done together, and actually enjoyed each other's company! We just heard bitter comments about the other parent. Visitations with aunts and uncles just stopped with the divorce. Sadly, as I grew older my sisters and I grew farther apart from each other and from our mom...so much so that by the time I was in my twenties, none of us really knew each other at all--our communication style of choice, learned in the home by watching our role models, was passive-aggressive. My handicapped brother was too much for Mom to handle so she pushed him off onto our dad (a cause of bitterness still to this day), and of the four girls, two of us moved out of the house and in with Dad as soon as we were legally able ("grass is always greener on the other side" theory). That drove a bigger wedge between each of us and our mom, and I continued through early adulthood with a huge chip on my shoulder. Except for my brother, all the siblings felt forced to choose sides--we almost NEVER were on speaking terms with both parents simultaneously. This was our reality. Sad, but true.
Fast forward fifty years...my mom and I have resolved our differences; in fact, she is currently living with us because, well, she is 88 and that's what families do. It is challenging and wonderful and frustrating all at the same time. But I feel fortunate to have a second chance to get to know her. But I'm not always feeling so magnanimous. Many times I am frustrated. I am angry. I am tired of being the one who reaches out, calls, sends cards, waits for replies. I resent selfish, self-centered behavior. I do not understand how folks I just met this year at church care more about how we are doing than my own family. I don't feel smug or holier or better for what we are doing. Just confused. I look at other folks' situations and am completely baffled, and yes, embarrassed, by the stark difference between how our family behaves and others behave. My 70+ year old neighbors are close to ALL their siblings, children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and her mom, age 100, has lived with one of the daughters for over 40 years. Forty years! And they all support each other, and help out, and share the care. And I cannot help but ask, "what in hell is wrong with my family?"
I could give a thousand excuses for their behavior, and for mine in the past. I could rationalize it as being part of a "dysfunctional family." But the real answer lies in the question, "what in hell..." Because it certainly is not "what in heaven..." Only our Heavenly Father can touch our hearts and open our eyes to see what we should do...not just what we can do or want to do. Without Christ in our hearts, we are incapable of being anything but selfish, self-centered humans, sinful to the core. So despite the sorrow and sadness I feel, I rejoice that God has chosen me, has elected me, and sent His Son to save me.
My family ties to my Heavenly Family bind and do NOT gag. He is my rock and my shield and my joy. Thank God for my ties that bind.
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