As I continue on this journey of finding self and my purpose, and discerning God's will, I am discovering a lot of pieces. Pieces of my life, jumbled about, some with sharp edges, others rounded and worn, even frayed, but pieces nonetheless that, when assembled, make me who I am now. As I find these pieces, I pick them up, inspect them, and try to figure out where they fit, many times trying to force them into place. Some of them are clear and in perfect focus, some are blurry and hard to distinguish where they belong, and still others appear to be mirror-images and backwards, like a negative to a photograph. But I persevere, picking up these pieces of me, of my life, my experiences, my relationships, and gradually, slowly, steadily, I am beginning to see who I really am, why I am, what I am, and how I came to be me.
If there is one driving force in my selfish heart, it is the desire for perfection--to be the perfect housekeeper, the perfect wife, be the perfect daughter and mom and grandmother and Christian and, well, you fill in the blank...whatever I do, whatever hat I am wearing, I am crushed and despondent if I am not perfect. My motto is not, "if at first you don't succeed, try try again." Oh no. Mine is, "if at first I don't succeed, then there is something wrong with me because I have to be perfect at everything I do the first time I do anything." I know...unrealistic, and about as achievable as weighing what my driver's license says I weigh. But most of the pieces of "me" point to an overwhelming drive towards, no, obsession with, perfection. So as I walk down this path of sanctification, I am finding pieces that are, let's face it, not perfect. Things that I did, or still do--some are wonderful, and some are things that make me cringe and shrink from embarrassment. Parts of me are mature in Christ, but part of me still grips on to those sins of the past, going over and over and over them in my mind, as if I could go back in time and undo what I have done. But I cannot. And, even if I could, it would be woefully inadequate to attain the prize of heaven. Wiping out those sins would still find me undeserving of the gift of redemption. Just like any "good" I do will never earn me one iota of salvation. That is what Christ did, freely.
Take Paul's struggle with perfection, and how, despite all of the horrible things he had done, he was still in Christ, and redeemed in and by Christ. That he was pressing on towards becoming like Christ--the process of sanctification.
"Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own. Brothers, I do not consider that I have made it my own. But one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. Let those of us who are mature think this way, and if in anything you think otherwise, God will reveal that to you also." (Philippians 3:12-14, ESV)
See, if God can (and He does) forget my past sins, and judges me as holy in His sight because of Christ's blood, then really, why should I keep looking back on sins already forgiven? Isn't that akin to not believing God? Like giving him "the hand" and ignoring the beautiful, perfect gift He has given me? At least that is what I think of when I get stuck in that loop of blame and regret and shame. It is not a pretty or happy place to be, and it is truly counterproductive. And while the resources I am using to put my pieces together into the person God created me to be are useful and helpful and edifying, I must remember those resources were placed here by God, so I can look at my past, and all my pieces, and accept that I was less than perfect, and then move on, no STRAIN FORWARD, because if I keep looking behind me I am going to miss the turn, miss out on the beauty God has for me, and fall on my ass.
Like Paul, and every other human being set aside by God, I am not there yet, but as long as i keep my eyes forward, straining toward the prize, I will make it. But only by the grace of God, in Christ.
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