On Depression and Falling Apart

 

Today has been a rough day. And I cannot tell you why it has been a rough day or how this day is any different from yesterday. I have been crying, off and on, all day, since 9:00 this morning; it is 10:30 at night and I still feel like crying. My eyes are red and sore and dry, my head is killing me, and I basically feel like shit. The image above depicts fairly accurately how I feel right now, like pieces of me are being sucked away, sucked into nothingness. I cannot explain it, or rationalize it, or give anyone any concrete reasons for my sadness. Sadness...ha. What an understatement. Well-meaning people would say it is grief over losing my family, or caregiver burnout from watching my brother, or stress over the pandemic, the upcoming election, and the current sociocultural clashes. It is none of that. I am depressed. Deeply depressed. 

I cry over nothing

I cry over everything

I want to stop crying and that makes me cry even more

I am mad at myself for crying, for being weak

I am a Christian, a daughter of the King, and I still cry

I cry because I should know better than to cry

I should be calling on God

I cry because I call on God and I do not feel His presence

I cry even more

I want it to end, and I cry because I don't know if it will ever end

Depressed. Yes, you can say I am depressed.

I am surrounded by a huge, black void, a void that is sucking my soul out of my body. I say things I don't mean and hurt people I love, I withdraw into myself and have to force myself to get out of bed or go anywhere, and answering the phone is a monumental challenge--putting myself out there is debilitating, and exhausting. Many times, no, most times, I put on a happy face and smile, but the tears are always there, waiting to leak out as soon as someone asks me what is wrong. 

My only solace? Reading Genesis, specifically the narrative of creation. The garden of Eden was everything anyone could ever dream of; it was paradise. Man convened daily with God, without pain or sorrow or fear or death or sickness or work. But now? Yeah, ask anyone, even a non-Christian, and he will tell you we ain't in Eden anymore; we are surrounded with pain, heartbreak, and fear. So why does that give me comfort? Because I know that the craving, the awareness, the longing for a better world, a perfect world, one without fear and disappointment, is in my heart for a reason: to prod me to continue to yearn for that perfection, and to take comfort in that. This less-than-perfect existence of mine, this horrible depression, this pervasive sadness...it is all a reminder that perfection did once exist for mankind, and we will live it again. 

Something I read recently really struck a resonant chord: 

"We must remember that we are in a love story. And we will never appreciate or even desire the hope of our True Love if lesser loves don't disappoint. The piercing angst of disappointment in everything on this side of eternity creates a discontent with this world and pushes us to long for God Himself - and for the place where we will finally walk in the garden with Him again. Where we will finally have peace and security and eyes that no longer leak tears ... and hearts that are no longer broken? All of these places of longing and disappointment in our lives? They aren't proof that God is withholding good things from us. They're His way of leading us Home." (Lysa TerKeursrt, Proverbs 31 ministries)

I cannot say it any better than that. Sure, I am still broken, depressed, and sad to my very core. In a strange way, though, that helps me see more clearly how much better my eternal life will be, and makes me ever so joyful to know I am among the chosen.