Taking Inventory

Have you ever had to take inventory to ascertain what you have on hand, and what you need to order? I used to assist my dad in his drugstore, counting greeting cards, bottles of aspirin, shampoo, nail files, even helping him enumerate prescription pills. My dad was amazing at this--he could hold up a bottle of pills and guess how many were in it, and 99% of the time, he hit it on the nose. Oh to be that skilled at identifying my own surpluses and deficits. Self-inventory, or finding out who I am, who I am supposed to be, and how God purposed me. Easier said than done, because everything I thought I knew about myself and who I was has been stripped away over the past five years, leaving me confused and unsure of my identity, my worth, and my faith. When you have been told, from infancy through middle age, you are no good, a problem, wrong, and will never amount to anything, you believe it. All of it. Especially when it comes from the lips of the person put on this earth to nurture and love you unconditionally. Yeah, my mom, but I am not going into all that right now.  And yes, my sisters betrayed me, believed her lies, shunned me, and have totally cut me out of their lives and their children's lives. I have written about those dysfunctional relationships ad nauseam, prayed about it, received counseling for it, and shed enough tears to float an armada; none of that changes anything. It happened. It sucked. 

So now what?

Confidence shattered, first I withdrew into myself, began to believe the lies and the distortion of the truth, that I never was, and never would be, good enough--sister, wife, mother, Christian...fill in the blank. Hard to believe I was ever in charge of anything in the military, or a subject matter expert in manpower and personnel, with accolades and awards and promotions one right after the other; hard to believe, because that person seemed so far removed from my current state it was as if I was two distinct people. That "other me" had a job to do, that person had authority, and the trust of her subordinates, peers, and supervisors. That person exuded confidence, self-assurance, and expertise at all jobs--military and civilian: cashier, respiratory therapist, student, waitress, bartender, military member, contractor--that person thrived on challenges. Regardless of the assignment, she never gave in or gave up; that person was a leader, a go-getter, an over-achiever, and, most importantly, respected and loved. Airmen I worked with decades ago still look up to me and credit me for their success. Kids I taught in Sunday school twenty years ago invite me to their weddings. Young women, my daughters included, listen to me, ask my advice, and tell me how articulate I am, that they envy my confidence; for all intents and purposes, to them, to others, to the outside world, I have it all together and have life all figured out. 

In my personal life, nothing could be farther from the truth, especially since 2015. Within the boundaries and disciplines of a well-defined job, sure, but in the nebulous ambiguity of relationships and socialization, I am a mess--insecure, uncertain, ill-equipped, ever questioning my own motives. In other words, I completely lack any confidence in myself, my thoughts, my words, my past, and my effectiveness, and, worse still, I use the yardstick of my estranged family's opinions of me to measure my success...at anything. I mistake the most innocent comment from one of my adult daughters as an accusation, and then I descend into a vortex of self-incrimination. Not a fun place to be, and definitely not healthy--emotionally, physically, mentally, and spiritually. Spiritually--funny I should go there, because that is where I should have started, where I should always be returning...to God, to Jesus, to the Holy Spirit, because only in God can I discover my true identity.  So I jump off this merry-go-round of self-deprecation and self-condemnation, and proceed to determine who I really am, and to take inventory of my strengths, my weaknesses, and my sins--the facets that make me who I am, and that align with the purpose God has in store for me. 

All of us are endowed with natural abilities, which we should develop and use accordingly, for the good of God's creation (although not everyone does that). God has blessed me with intelligence, a propensity for being task focused, awesome organizational skills, and a natural appetite for learning and understanding; I am also sensitive, empathetic, a good listener, and a natural caregiver. On the flip side, however, some of these very same strengths are double-edged swords and, used wrongly, become stumbling blocks and weaknesses. While intelligent, I tend to become impatient when someone does not understand what is apparent to me, and my sharp wit can quickly degrade into sarcasm, or (cringe) passive aggressiveness. And while being highly sensitive alerts me to infinitesimally small changes and levels of discomfort of those around me, it also has the unfortunate reaction of making me uncomfortable and defensive, causing me to withdraw from, or outright avoid, social situations. Likewise, my natural ability to discern the root cause of an issue sometimes elicits anxiety and exacerbates my deep-seated fear of confrontation.

So what do I do with this inventory? It's not like I can order up some more strengths like my dad would order more aspirin, nor can I simply hide my weaknesses; that does not work--trust me, I've tried. Followers of Christ are blessed with abilities, even those abilities we may view as handicaps, to strengthen the faith of others, not for our own gain. The secular, worldly view? We can be whatever we want, we create our own successes, and we deserve to be lauded and appreciated and admired for our achievements. According to Scripture, though, our gifts and our abilities are not earned or deserved, but a matter of grace to be used to serve others, strengthen them, and fulfill God's purpose in our lives and theirs. “I long to see you, that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to strengthen you, that is, that we may be mutually encouraged by each other’s faith, both yours and mine.” (Romans 1:11,12). 

Yes, even our weaknesses point to our Creator and to Christ; in our weakness He is made strong. Throughout this journey of being broken, of having my insides laid wide open, naked and afraid, I have grown closer to God and marvel at how He uses me to fulfill His purpose. Because of, not in spite of, my trials and my weaknesses, I see that same pain and suffering in others, and can share my testimony and point them towards the Gospel. 

"As each has received a gift, employ it for one another (or serve it up to one another) as good stewards of God’s varied grace: whoever speaks, as one who utters oracles of God; whoever renders service, as one who renders it by the strength which God supplies; in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ." (1 Peter 4:10,11)

Inventory complete, except for one glaring omission, my most critical strength: chosen, adopted, loved, and cherished child of God, daughter of the King. He covers all my sins, my weaknesses, and values me and loves me for who I am.