Over the past 11 years, I have shared my joys and sorrows and disappointments on this blog. Actually, this endeavor began as three separate blogs: Nana's Nook, dedicated to my experiences as a grandmother; Faith, Grace, and Fibromyalgia, an exercise in finding God through my struggle with chronic pain; and Growing in Grace, an introspective self-study into Romans 8:28. I have entertained and amused with photos and anecdotes of my grandchildren, and shared the pride of accomplishment I feel as a parent of three beautiful daughters. Every significant life event (and some not so significant)--births, deaths, illness, birthdays, vacations, elections--has merited space here. Most of all, though, I have chronicled the journey I am on as I undergo trials, tribulations, and sanctification. Through it all, I have bared my soul and shared my deepest fears. This process has truly been a catharsis.
My intention was never to glorify or call attention to myself, nor was it to vilify or judge or shame anyone. What began as a tongue-in-cheek way to highlight my own shortcomings and faults evolved into its present form: an online journal of my innermost thoughts, and a way to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. Sure I could have merely journaled these events in a diary or a personal journal and not have posted it online, but the very act of putting myself out there, naked and afraid, for anyone to see, is what has made this blog authentic. I admit, on a few occasions, it has been a way to vent, to answer unfounded rumors and false accusations, saying what I never had the chance to say, but that was few and far between. Writing, telling my story, is how I stay sane.
Numerous acquaintances, friends, and even strangers have told me my posts have touched their hearts, reassured them, and strengthened their faith in God. That means so much to me, that I could highlight in a very concrete, public, and, at times, disconcerting way the impact God's marvelous grace has had on my life, and make a difference in someone's life. Despite how undeserving I am of God's forgiveness, He continues to bless me and challenge me to become what He has planned for me, and to submit to His will. Looking back over the 286 posts to date, I see in black and white how much I have grown, how much my faith and understanding have matured over the years, and how I have come to grips with who I was, who I am now, and how I got here. Experiences that at the time seemed totally devastating, leaving me spent and gasping for air, not only no longer have that power, they actually point out where God was working in my life. Always teaching, the Spirit is there, urging me on, comforting me, encouraging me, uncovering my innermost self. This endeavor has motivated me to continue to discover myself, to persist in uncovering God's fingerprints on my life. It is not always pretty, or fair, or palatable, but it is, at its very core, me. And God is obviously not finished with me yet. He continues to confront me with my sins and convict me without condemnation, teaching me, leading me, guiding me (isn’t that a song?). Every time I try to go it alone, to control my life, He allows me to wander, until I cry out for Him to come find me. And while I persist in this futile behavior, those occurrences are fewer and farther between. Thank God for that!
As long as I am on this earth, I will continue to reach back, to make some sense of my life: the heartbreaks, the victories, the struggles, and the achievements, all the moments and minutia of my life that made me who I am today. Then, as I am a work in progress, a new creation, I will take all those events and bump them up against who God says I am, and measure my worth against His Word, throwing out all the chaff and debris. My writings are not self-serving, or vindictive; they are leadings by the Holy Spirit, and how God shows me how He is working in my life. By exposing sin in my own life and heart, and sharing that with others, God can touch their hearts, and if it upsets them, perhaps there is some truth pricking at their conscience.
Perhaps Anne Lamott says it best:
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