Growing into Grand-motherhood

Lydia and Nana, January 2010

Nine years ago our first grandchild (albeit not my oldest grandchild) was born.   Lydia Anne Stock, weighing in at a petite 6lbs 4oz, entered our world, and our lives have not been the same since.   As I often tell her, she made me a Nana—and oh what a challenging growth experience that has been!  Now I have six grandchildren, and have gotten a lot better at this Nana/Grandma thing.  So if you’re about to meet your first grandchild, or if you aspire to be a Nana or Mimi or Grandma some day, this is for you in hopes I can spare you some pain and embarrassment.  So listen up.  Learn from my craziness. And for all you veteran grandparents out there, go ahead and nod knowingly...I am sure my oldest daughter is.

1.  Being a grandmother is not a competition.  While you may be your daughter's (or son's) only mother, more than likely you are NOT the only grandmother.  Each parent of this precious baby has parents, and perhaps even stepparents, and even dear, close friends, all of whom may be considered as another grandma simply because of the relationship that person held with your child growing up.  Having more than one grandma does not dilute your standing.  You do not have to prove you are a "better" grandma, or spend more money, bake better cookies, or even spend more time with your grandchild to let them know you love her.  And she will love you.  Not more, not less, just different.  

2.  Before you give advice, think twice.  And then bite your tongue, and don't give it anyway.  No passive aggressive comments, no eye rolling, heavy sighs, gasps of shock, or shaking of the head.  While you may have put your baby in a rickety crib with a drop down side, with a pillow and a blanket, and no baby monitor or video camera or white noise maker, things have changed.  Trust your daughter to take care of her precious baby.  

3.  This is not the 80s. Okay, yes, I bathed my kids in my kitchen sink until they could sit up on their own.  And I used cloth diapers with (gulp!) safety pins, and made my own baby food without sterilizing the blender, and I didn't have fancy car seats that can withstand a head-on collision at 65mph.  I put sugar in my kids' bottles, I did not cut hot dog slices in half, and I did not have the patience of installing child guards on cabinets or door knobs.  I had to make do with what was available 30 years ago, and what I could afford.  Did my kids survive?  Yes.  But the stuff moms have at their disposal now?  Amazing.  And admit it...you wish you had all this cool shit when your kids were babies!  Except the diaper genie.

4.  Discipline and rules are the parents' domain.  Respect your grandchild's parents' wishes, desires, and schedules.  Do not interfere with their rule enforcement, or criticize their parenting skills, unless you are asked for advice.  And, if that happens, see rule 2.

5.  Do not embarrass the parents.  No matter how funny the story, or how pertinent it may be to the current situation, do not share memories of your child's misbehavior, mistakes, or failures.  Period.  Build up the parents in the eyes of the grandchild.  They do not need to hear how their Mommy or Daddy almost burned the house down or wrecked the car.

6. There IS such a thing as too many sweets.  While there is no recommended daily allowance for chocolate, there should be.  And I know people equate "grandma" with "spoiling," and we grandmas have that stereotype hanging over our heads--you know, the one who is always baking and giving children cookies for breakfast and candy for lunch and letting the children run the house.  Non-grandparents expect that behavior--heck, even our children expect it.  Don't fall into this trap.  Be smart.  

7.  No strings attached.  Whether it is toys, blankets, or clothes, a gift is a gift is a gift.  You will be showering your new grandchild with toys, adorable outfits, hand-knit afghans, and giant teddy bears...but just because you absolutely love that frilly red dress with polka dots and a white pinafore does not mean her parents will feel the same.  And the solid wood play kitchen, complete with range, dishwasher, refrigerator, table and chairs, and a place setting for 8 may have spoken to you in the toy store or the catalog, but if your son lives in an 800 square foot apartment, they will not have anywhere to put it.  So, if your gifts mysteriously disappear, or show up on a Facebook yard sale site, don't fall to pieces.  

8.  Grandchildren do not assign feelings to toys, or clothes.  Just because the baby's favorite stuffed animal is from your ex-husband,  or the little Fisher Price bus from "the other grandma" is all your grandson wants to play with, does not mean they like you any less.  The frequency with which little Emma wears an outfit or hugs a dolly is not indicative of the level of love they feel for you.  See rule #1.

9.  Facebook is not the place to _______ (fill in the blank).  Yes, it is the ideal venue to stay abreast of baby's firsts, view priceless little videos of the baby drooling, crawling, cooing, etc..  And all grandmas love seeing the newest photos and posts, especially if they do not live close to their grandchild.  But, for the sake of the family, do not, I repeat, do NOT, make any snide comments about the baby's hair, or ask why she's not dressed in that Christmas sleeper you bought, or get all bent out of shape if there happens to be more photos/mentions of people other than yourself. Look at the photos, and move on.  See rule #1. Again.

And, finally,

10.  Be yourself.  Love them.  Unconditionally.  That, my friends, is what your grandchildren will remember.