Wait...what was that?

Have you ever felt so wronged that you carried the memory of that wrong around with you for days, weeks, even months, and all that time you formulated in your head the perfect conversation, the ideal confrontation, and role played exactly how you'd face the wrongdoer, confront them, say wise and pithy things to the person, with just the right amount of sarcasm and sardonic wit?  And the longer you nursed the grudge and relived the wrongdoing you suffered, telling it over and over to anyone and everyone within earshot about your abuse, the more vivid the hurt became and the madder you got?  Until you were just bursting with righteous anger and indignation?  And you just KNEW that as soon as the opportunity presented itself, your well-rehearsed speech would come pouring out, completely crushing the wrongdoer, leaving her in a crumpled, shattered, shivering heap of apologies and remorse?  Oh how satisfying that encounter would be!  You were wronged!  You deserve an apology, fairness, even revenge!  And even though you could hate the person, and feel completely justified in that hate and anger, you choose the high road, you choose to forgive, and you gallantly bestow your mercy on the undeserving wretch because, after all, that is what Christians do!  Oh how the wretch will be so grateful, how proud God will be of His progeny for bestowing forgiveness on someone who has hurt you so deeply.  

The moment presents itself, you are facing her, she cannot escape, and you gird your loins for the confrontation that is imminent.  You open your mouth, you say a quick prayer, and the words come tumbling out, hesitant and stuttering at first, then, as you gather assurance and confidence, the words pour out of you, along with your emotions, even tears.  You are surprised at your composure and your compassion for the person sitting across from you.  She looks at you, blinks away tears, and then takes your hands in her hands, and thanks you.  And then, she forgives you.

Wait..what?

I asked for forgiveness?  From the person I have been fuming against for eighteen months?  How in the blue blazes did that just happen?  What planet am I on?  Am I hallucinating?  Did I enter some Mission Impossible scene and get a chip put in my brain and some strange person is controlling what I say without me knowing it?  

Uh, no.  None of the above.  I honestly and seriously have been carrying this bitterness in my heart toward someone I had never met, full of bitterness and resentment and anger over deeds done by others, and I lumped her into the group of evildoers simply as a result of guilt by association.  This grudge got bigger and bigger and took up so much room in my soul and my heart that it grew a life of its own.  I knew (or thought I knew) the only way to clear the playing field and put that grudge out of my life forever would be this:  I would have to face her, and I would magnanimously forgive her.  Yes, that would do it.  Then I could move on because she would know that I knew that she was wrong, but I forgave her anyway.  I had prayed about every facet of this situation for months; I begged for resolution, for an opportunity to present itself for me to fix this. The more I prayed, the more assured I became, confident God could use me to show that person how she was wrong and I had been wronged.  

God had other plans, which is always a good thing.  His plan? For the Holy Spirit to convict me of my wrongdoing, my pride, my arrogance, my self-righteous, and my mean spiritedness.  Yes, some people had wronged me, hurt me, sinned against me, but I had wrongfully laid the blame on the wrong person.  I had intimated impropriety, hinted at conspiracies, and even filed formal complaints.  And when I found myself in front of the person I had dreaded seeing for so long, I knew it was time to put this thing to rest.  Fortunately, putting it to rest meant for me to admit my wrongdoing, to ask for forgiveness for MY sins, my ill feelings.  

I had to remove that board out of my eye, before pointing out a splinter in her eye.  Funny, after I removed that board from my eye, I couldn't see anything wrong with her.  Hmmm....maybe the splinter I thought I saw was really just an illusion.

For, as Jesus said, 

"If your brother or sister has something against you … First go and be reconciled to them” (Matthew 5:23-24).