Don't scratch that itch!

Have you ever wanted to do something so badly, something unhealthy or wrong, and even though you knew you'd hate yourself for doing it, you just do it anyway?  And for one brief moment, you enjoy the act.  But then, after you do it, you feel ashamed, and horrible, and try to hide it.  Because the consequences of that action are there, staring at you, reminding you of your lack of self-control.  Then, just when the sting of the action starts to fade, you remember how good it felt initially.  That brief moment when you thought, maybe just this once it'd be okay, no one will know, I will be able to stop before it's too late.  But you can't.   And on and on, in a vicious circle, you go. Repeating the same senseless action over and over, and you wish it would stop, that you could go back to before it started?

About a year ago I developed a severely itchy rash on one of my forearms, so itchy that I would scratch it, subconsciously, until it bled.  Sometimes, I would inadvertently rip chunks of skin off my arm, and other times I would just scratch it lightly. Regardless of how hard or how long I scratched, within seconds my arm would be covered with dark purple, angry bruises.  Actually, not bruises--ruptured blood vessels.  Sometimes I'd have the rash on my legs, or other areas, but mostly it is on my arms.  I have dealt with this rash off and on for over a year, and no one really knows what it is.  I do know it is unbearably itchy, and it seems to itch even more after the skin has cleared up.  When I scratch it, it feels good, then it itches again, then I scratch it again.  Dr. Google says it's called the itch-scratch-itch cycle.   Whatever it is, my skin is changing--it has gotten thicker and darker and  pitted with scars.   And despite me being extremely self-conscious about how it looks, the itch is so strong, and it feels sooooo good to scratch it, I just cave.  And within seconds, my arm is ugly again.  And it still itches.  I have tried wearing long sleeves, taping thick gauze over it, applying oils and creams, concealing it with makeup, and wrapping ice packs over it, to no avail.  I've come to the conclusion I will have to get used to having ugly arms, and when people gasp and say "what did you do to your arm?!," I do my best to just laugh it off, saying I burned it, bumped it, had a biopsy, and then blithely change the subject.  

Tonight I was looking at my arms while taking a bath; they look horrible.  This month it's the left arm  that has blotchy purple areas and scabs on it.  In fact, I just scratched it again, and guaranteed myself at least another week before it "clears."  On my right arm there is a noticeably dark, leathery looking area over the entire forearm, and no matter how much lotion I put on it, the skin won't go back to normal.  And in that moment, it hit me: my faults and weaknesses (ahem, my sins) are like that.  It starts innocently enough, and it even feels good (for a moment), and seems harmless (at first), and then I see the ugly result of my weakness, my sin, staring at me, reminding me, even mocking me.  And just when the memory of that sin begins to fade, a little prick, a little twinge, reminds me of how satisfying it was to give in, even for a moment.  And no matter what I do, or how I try to avoid it, I cannot...the urge is too strong.  Again, ugly scars and bruises, and I do my best to hide them from people I see, to laugh them off, make up some excuse, rationalize why I did what I did.  And I see myself changing, the sin stays there, under my skin, daring me to give in.  But I know it is foolhardy and dangerous to scratch that itch, because scratching does not make the itching go away...it just makes it itch all the more.  

Strange analogy, I know.  

But reassuring just the same.  Because even though my skin condition may never go away,  as long as I lean on Christ, I can fight the urge to sin.  Yeah, I may die with ugly, scarred arms, but (and pardon the leap here):

"We grow weary in our present bodies, and we long to put on our heavenly bodies like new clothing...While we live in these earthly bodies, we groan and sign...we want to put on our new bodies so that these dying bodies will be swallowed up by life" 2 Cor 5: 2, 4

Meanwhile, I just keep telling myself "DON'T SCRATCH THAT ITCH!"