Pursuit

Just got off the phone with one of my daughters (FaceTime, actually), and mentioned to her how wonderful it was to hear from her, because I was just crying about an hour ago. Obvious question from her was "Mom, why?" Well, because of people we love who,  for whatever reason, have decided to shut us out...no push us out, ignore us, hang up the phone, cuss us out, cut us out of their lives.  No matter what we do or try to do or say. Most recently, and right now the most painful, are two very important people to us. Our youngest daughter (my stepdaughter and Alex's daughter, Nicole), and one of my sisters, Nancy, have refused any and all efforts we make to be in their lives. Nicole has shut us out for over 10 years, and has two children we have never met...two grandchildren we do not even know.  Have never met, seen, or spoiled. Nancy has rebuffed any and all efforts to be part of her life, to share things with her, to just talk to her when I need a sister to talk to. I alluded to these issues in a previous blog about control, and yes, I know God is in control, not me, and that I cannot control who and what comes in (or goes out) of our lives. I must leave it to God. 

Anyway, back to Mandy and her very simple, beautiful answer..."Keep pursuing them." 

That simple answer made me think of God, who continues to pursue me, to love me, give me grace, answer my prayers--never giving up, even when I shut the door, turn my back, act hateful, do terrible hurtful things, when He has done nothing but give me life and love me,  forgive me--over and over and over again. As He has done since Adam and Eve, and will continue to do, to bring His children, His people, to Him. 

And when I think of the billions of times that has been repeated over the centuries since the beginning of time, from billions and billions of souls, and how much that pains Him, our creator...

ten years of our little hurt feelings pales in comparison.  

Struggle

Selfishness...is my constant struggle. Look st all the words we  have in the English language with a prefix of "self". Self image.  Self aware.  Self esteem.  Self assurance.  Self pity.  Self confidence.  Self fulfillment.  Self actualization.  Myself.  Self absorbed. Self destruct. Self centered.  Self preservation. Self improvement. Self image.  Self indulgent.  Self respect.  Self reliant. Self sacrifice.  Self made. Self help. Self imposed. Self righteous.  Self fulfilling.  Self evident. Self denial. Self deprecating. Self control. Self expression. Self conscious   Self determination. 

All of these words presume I am in charge...that we are able to take charge of our destiny.  We determine our fate.  When in reality it is our creator who is in charge of all we do. If I am to grow in Christ and become more like Him, I must surrender this false assumption of being in control.  Less of me = more of Him.  

Easy to say but not so easy to follow. It is however so liberating to know that I can depend on my creator for all my needs, to answer all my prayers, and to suppress my overinflated sense of self. 

And then she was five...

Twenty little bumblebees sitting on a bed.  All made out of black and yellow thread.  Buzzing and on their way to their hive.  To "bee" at a party for a little girl turning five.  Nana sure loves Miss Lydia Anne Stock.  She knitted all weekend around the clock!!!

Control is highly overrated

Why can't everyone get along? Why are there so many broken relationships? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't (fill in the blank) call/write/text/email anymore? Why am I so misunderstood? These questions and many more (more than you would ever dream of) run constantly through my head on this never-ending video loop.  

Hi, my name is Barbara and I'm a fixer, a mender, a reconciler. And in Barbara-land, everyone gets along. When family and friends have falling outs, they kiss and make up within days, if not hours. Everyone respects one another, listens, is thoughtful, and kind. They understand each other. There is no drama at family reunions, and no one takes a FaceBook post personally. Friends don't outgrow one another. Life is peaceful and wonderful.  Ahhhh.  Bliss. 

How do I reconcile all of that with reality? Here in the REAL world, my sister hasn't spoken to me in a year and I have no idea why. People who I thought were my friends dropped me over our choice of a realtor. Other friends have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. My ex-husband refuses to acknowledge our youngest daughter, breaking her heart.  And my stepdaughter hasn't spoken to me or her father in nearly 10 years, despite countless attempts to reach her, breaking our hearts. And I cannot even begin to describe the convoluted relationship with my mom.  

All of these fractured and frail relationships sadden and frustrate me, and that fixer part of me tells me, "Go ahead! You can do it!  Talk some sense into her!" or "Send her a text!  With a smiley face!" Today's myriad communication avenues make it harder to NOT reach out (i.e. Intervene). Heck I can text, call, email, FaceBook, Twitter, FaceTime, or Skype--in addition to writing a note or driving to their house. They can't hide!! This insistent voice on that video loop is goading me to take action and take control. I am the master of my destiny! The captain of my ship. Steer that ship!  Yeah. Right into an iceberg!

It takes nearly every fiber of my being, all my pride, and  surrender of my SELF to let go. To pray. And let God. To realize there will ALWAYS be brokenness and pain and discord because of our sinful natures. That some will always be broken, and we won't all love each other here on earth. Worse, that not all will come to know the peace and grace of Jesus.  There is "a purpose under heaven, ... a time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak." (Eccles 3). Even in my sorrow and frustration there is a heavenly purpose. And I will trust in the Lord.   

(But it's still hard--stupid video loop!)

A job well done

Yesterday I filed my taxes and thought of my daughters, Mandy and Becky. See, I've always done their taxes as well and over the years I've tutored and mentored them through the IRS maze of tax codes. They'd need me right? I had already asked Mandy who did their taxes and she has a friend who takes care of them. So I texted Becky and asked her if she had any issues with hers. Nope. Did you file the schedule C okay? Yup. Need any help? Nope. Drat! I know, I know...why am I surprised?  Heck, Mandy is raising three little girls in a developing country overseas, and Becky has weathered three deployments of her Navy hubby AND she's selling her house while he's still deployed. Yup, we've raised two very capable daughters who have blossomed into wonderful young women. My job is done. No longer needed. Time for act two...Nana time!!

Seriously, though, too often I base my sense of worth on who or how I am needed. Or what I can do well. In reality, my worth is in Christ, and it is me who needs Him.