A week ago the on duty nurse at the nursing home called me to tell me “your mom is all packed and waiting for you to pick her up.” Puzzled, I asked “what?”, so she repeated it…adding that Mom told her “my daughter is coming to get me.” Ding! Light bulb clicks on. Must be Mary Beth coming to get her, to “save” her from me and my “POA dictatorship.” Like in 2013, and 2009. So, I got in my car to go see Mom, and to find out if there was anything I should (or needed to) do. On the way, I called Mary Beth…yes, she was on her way to take Mom for a vacation for her birthday. Back to her house. No notice to me or the nursing home or anyone else. Accused me of not wanting Mom to be happy, or not being aware that Mom is not happy. Right. Mary Beth, who has spent about 36 hours with Mom in the past 12 months, asking me, who has been the full time caregiver since June 2015, if I knew Mom was unhappy. Hell, when in the world has Mom EVER been happy?!
Regardless, I tried to talk her out of it, worried about Mom’s health and mental stability if removed from the nursing home. Wondering if she would even bring her back. Knowing she will work against everything we have accomplished in the past year…the power of attorney, the finances, the setup at the Oaks, the nursing care. All the work everyone here has done to try to help Mom assimilate to life in a nursing home. All the talk, the pleading, even talking with Mom….fell on deaf ears. I was rebuffed, hung up on, accused of not caring, and threatened. Mary Beth picked her up, took her to Huddle House, brought her back for the night, and then actually slept in her car with her dog and took Mom out the next morning. All I got was a text “Mom is on a 4 day leave of absence”.
I feel violated, rejected, shunned, kicked, and punched. Like a slap in the face, a sucker punch to the stomach…life as I knew it for the past 10 months flipped upside down. I have spent the last five days trying to verbally, emotionally, and spiritually process it all, the madness, the sheer incongruity of it all. Spent hours trying NOT to think about it. I am shocked, confused, flabbergasted, dumbfounded, incredulous that this is happening again. That my sister is STILL enabling the crazy misbehavior of our mom. That she actually thinks I am wrong, and that she has totally forgotten that, less than a year ago, she wanted NOTHING to do with Mom anymore, that she was exhausted, drained, and numb. And that neither she nor Nancy, our other sister, wanted anything to do with taking care of Mom—not financially, not emotionally, and certainly, not physically. So they willingly, with an almost audible sigh of relief, stepped back and let us step in.
No support at all for the past year. Just accusations and recriminations. Not calling me to check on things. No answer to texts or emails or phone calls or letters. And now this. Whisking Mom away with no warning, no explanation, no visit. Taking her to the bank in Tennessee to close her checking account, and change her social security check direct deposit. Not even caring that I have been making sure her nursing home bill gets paid, that I know Mom will squander her meager income if she has access to it, and she will, yet again, not pay her bill there, just like last year, and two years ago, and three years ago. Not remembering how Alex and I helped Mom get back on her feet again, or even caring enough to talk to the nurses, the doctors, the social workers, and the psychiatrists who have been caring for Mom 24/7 for the past 10 months.
With absolutely no communication for the next four days, I was not even sure she would bring Mom back, and, if she did, for how long. Unsure of whether I am still the power of attorney, or if Mary Beth is taking on that role. Then, a curt, brief text at 1:00 am Saturday—“Mom is back at the Oaks.” No other replies, no explanations. Further queries to her phone ignored.
So now I sit here, still processing, still angry, confused, sad, and hurt. The advice of friends and family and the nursing home staff ringing in my ears, repeating over and over like a broken record, “step back,” “you are too hands on,” “just let it go and teach them all a lesson,” “you knew this would happen,” “quit trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved,” and “you did your best,” “let God take care of it, maybe He is giving you a break,” and “you should have known!” I know all that, in my head, but I stubbornly want to be understood, agreed with, supported…not by my mother—but by others. But I am so hurt, so devastated by this absolute rejection of my love and help that I cannot stop thinking about it, cannot stop the sadness or the tears. I want to let it go, to take the great advice folks are giving me. I want to be cavalier about it all, take the “c'est la vie” attitude, and to just “roll with it.”
Everyone’s advice sounds so common sense, so natural, so easy, so right…so why is it so hard for me? Am I just trying to control everything? Am I not trusting God to take care of it? Am I wrong? Should I just give up and quit? Call it a day? Shouldn’t I be satisfied that I gave it a good try, that I did what God wanted me to do? Should I just “let go and let God?”
Hmmm....quite a conundrum....
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