Help (not) Wanted

Mom has been back for over a week now after her unscheduled and unannounced trip to Tennessee with my sister--a trip I thought would last far longer than 4 days.  In that short time, she closed her checking account I used to pay her nursing home bill, and became convinced I am a lying, thieving daughter who only wants the worst for her. I haven't heard squat from my sister, and, in fact, don't even know if she is still in Nashville or on Navy Reserve duty in Guam. I am also clueless as to what she and/or my other sister and my mom are planning--staying at the Oaks?  Moving to my sister's? I want to know. I want to help. I want to continue to keep Mom safe, to help her live out the rest of her life in dignity. My help was wanted over a year ago. Now, not so much.

Yesterday, I stopped by to just say "hey." Took her a White Squirrel Latte and a sinfully delicious caramel cinnamon roll. And while I didn't expect hugs and kisses, the speed and rancor with which I was unceremoniously kicked out of her room made my head spin. She accused me of stealing from her, of lying, of never keeping her posted on what is going on. And despite me KNOWING that none of that is true, that Mom has always had serious personality disorders that are now exacerbated by dementia, that we KNEW this would happen, I left confused and hurt, asking myself the same questions I have asked myself for my entire life--what is WRONG with me?  Why does she hate me so much? Why doesn't she appreciate me? Why don't my sisters see how wrong this is?  

I want to keep helping, despite obvious rejection of help. I yearn for understanding, from a woman who has never sought to understand anyone. I seek love and praise from one incapable of giving love or praise. I continue to pursue, to show my love and concern, even though she pushes me away and refuses to reciprocate.  

I am exhausted, emotionally and physically. Spiritually I feel as if I am being attacked, tested, stretched to the breaking point. I have friends praying for me and with me. I attend caregiver support group meetings at our church.  My house is littered with books to provide guidance and insight--"Hope for the Caregiver," "Everyday Prayers," "Desiring God," "Jesus Loves You," "My Utmost for His Highest," and, of course, the Bible. All of it helps, to a point, but there is still so much uncertainty. Uncertainty in many things, but I have assurance in my salvation.  

I'm not perfect--I still worry. But I will, as the psalmist wrote, commit my way to the Lord. I will trust in Him and He will act.