Letting Go

In dealing with an ingrained bitterness over past events, I found myself at the crossroads of “now what?”  Because I have been nursing hurts and betrayals for so long they have become a part of me.  I am a victim.  I tell the story over and over again, repeating the litany of the wrongs done to me to whomever will listen—especially to myself.  And each time I repeat them, I can feel the acid churning in my stomach.  When the persons who wronged me are mentioned, when I hear their names, their voices, or worse yet, see them, I wince and cringe and all the old hatred and hurt and pain bubbles back up.  Bitterness is sucking the life out of me.  And I have prayed, LORD how I have PRAYED, to stop this bitterness, to rip it out of my heart, to let me just wake up renewed and whole and not bitter. Counseling, prayer, reading, talking--nothing worked.  I would never be free of it.  Or so I thought.  

Three things happened.  

1.  My friend and neighbor confided in me how she was so bitter about something, so bitter that she cried and prayed every night for God to take it all away, to release her.  Years went by, then suddenly, it was gone.  She awoke with a clean heart.  And I thought, great, if only....

2.  My daughter and I were having a heated discussion (okay, an argument) about how I should just let go of the past, but I wanted to rationalize it, to make her see my point, that I had been WRONGED, that it was not FAIR, that I had been HURT.  You know what she said?  She said "yeah, it sucks, yeah, it was horrible, but get over it!"

3.  I googled "anger and bitterness;" I was surprised by what came up, in all of 0.53 seconds: 107,000,000 answers.  And while I did not peruse more than 10 or 20 of those millions of hits, I noticed something odd--the same advice and warnings were being touted by Psychology Today, The Gospel Coalition, new age philosophy, Wikipedia, and even the Mayo Clinic. Normally, secular and spiritual resources are diametrically opposed when seeking answers to problems, but this time, Biblical wisdom won hands down, across the board.  

Suddenly it all became clear--I had allowed anger to set in, to lay seeds of bitterness in my heart, and that bitterness had grown and taken root, and it was not going to be easy to pull it out.  The roots were deep, because the hurts were deep, and I thought that justified the depth of my bitterness.  It did not.  Because in allowing that bitter root to grow, to take hold, I was, in essence, telling God I did not trust Him to make it all right, to be the perfect Judge, and I definitely was not feeling forgiven or forgiving.  I had to let it go, give it to God, and let bygones be bygones.  For the sake of my soul.  

Because even though I had been hurt, even though I had been wronged, it was not my place to judge anyone, even those who hurt me.  That is for God to do. He will judge all sins, and when that time comes, if they are in hell, then nothing I do or say can make it worse for them. But, and here's the real kicker, if they have repented, then their sins have been carried to the cross along with mine.  And they have been forgiven.

And that is where I see the wonder and the beauty and the miracle of God's grace--for I have sinned horribly against God, yet He has given me new life, not because I deserve it, but because He loves me.  How can I look at anything the same anymore?  How can I be so selfish as to pound my chest and pull out my hair and say "woe is me!" when I surely have caused hurt to someone else, betrayed someone else, yet I stand forgiven?

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, iforgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Ephesians 4:31-32)