The Reluctant Servant

Dear God,

We need to talk; things are not going too well down here right now.  In fact, things have not been going well at all for quite some time, and frankly, I am exhausted, worn out, and well, discombobulated.  I mean, don't get me wrong here, I know you are the Creator of the Universe, and that whatever you say, goes, that your plan is the ultimate plan, and that nothing, absolutely nothing, happens without your say so.  But seriously...can you cut me some slack here?  First, that debacle with my mom and sisters, then You take my father-in-law, mother-in-law, and my dad to be with You, all in the space of 18 months, AND ipso de facto, I become the caregiver for my special needs brother?  And just when we were getting used to that crazy turn of events, this?  Come ON already!

All that stuff about turn the other cheek, and not being anxious about anything, and all of those admonitions against being fearful or afraid or discouraged--it all sounds good when I'm in church, or sitting on the porch reading quietly, or listening to my music, but when I am being bombarded from all sides, and someone I love needs me to help her stop hurting, how do I manage to do this?  When everything else in my life comes to a screeching halt so I can subjugate my needs, and my family's needs, to take care of one of Your children, how do I know I am doing Your will?  It's not like I can open the Bible and have passages jump out at me, or magically turn to the exact right page with the chapter and verse I need at that very moment.  And the enemy is so darn good at making me doubt myself, and whispering (or even shouting) in my ear, that in almost no time at all, I wonder if I have made a mistake.  I begin to think that maybe those others are right, that maybe I only think I am doing the right thing, that really I should just back off and trust You to magically take care of it all through someone else.

And I know there will always be pain and suffering and sin and sickness, and that all of that will only end for us when we are taken up into heaven with you.  But where is this "peace that surpasses all understanding" when I really need it?    How do I pray without ceasing and not despair when I do not get the answer I want?  And if Your grace is so sufficient for me, why do I feel so sad and alone? I want to serve You, and I want to serve You through serving others, but I am weak and selfish and tired and I need Your help.  So I can "serve the Lord with gladness" like King David sang in Psalm 100, and so it can be said of me,  

"Whoever speaks, as one who speaks oracles of God; whoever serves, as one who serves by the strength that God supplies--in order that in everything God may be glorified through Jesus Christ.  To him belong glory and dominion forever and ever.  Amen" (1 Peter 4:11)

That's not too much to ask, is it?  

Sincerely and with great love and humility and appreciation,

Your daughter



P.S.  Cancer sucks.