Taking care of others, including elderly parents, can be, no, should be, selfless and God-centered. But it is not always as it seems. It is so easy to get caught up in our own pride, our own desires and accomplishments, and acceptance by those around us. We are, at the core, selfish and prideful creatures, always depending on our own resources and trusting in ourselves. Obedience to God is hard, and it is lonely. It costs more than we can bear sometimes, and it is so much easier to listen to the clamor of the world, our friends, our family, than to that still small voice that is Jesus. We begin to follow Him, obey Him, trust in Him, and then we see the cost--to our time, our independence, our relationships--and we turn away. We foolishly follow our own hearts, trading eternal joy and life for temporary, earthly pleasures.
Obedience to God, succumbing to His will for our lives, is an all-or-nothing proposal. It is not half-assed. We cannot place conditions on that obedience, for that smacks of the essence of selfish pride, to assume we can improve God's perfection. Yes our obedience has a cost, and at times it seems too high, too painful, yes even too selfish, to stay in His will. When family and friends turn away, when they don't agree with us and are hurt by our actions and our decisions it is so easy to think there is no way God would have us do this! God does not want us to abandon others or hurt others by our decision to follow him! It cannot be this way! It is too hard! I must be mistaken, right?
"'Whoever does not carry his own cross and come after Me cannot be My disciple.'" Luke 14:27
"For not one of us lives for himself, and not one dies for himself" Romans 14:7
"...so as to live the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for the lusts of men, but for the will of God." 1 Peter 4:2
God's Word is full of examples and commandments to obey Him, to trust Him. The question is not "What is God's will for my life?" but "What is God's will?" And then we must follow Him. Obedience is costly, but the reward, oh the reward of being in my Father's will!
Listening to Him and taking in my mom to live with us is a process, and it is not easy (following God is never easy--ask Simon how hard it was to help Jesus carry that cross, or Noah how easy it was to be ridiculed by the world as he built the ark). I didn't jump in with both feet. I put a toe in the water and, like Peter, was reticent to close my eyes and take His hand and walk on the water with Him. I balk at the cost of this decision--friends think I am crazy, family members no longer want to visit, I am the scapegoat for Mom's moods, I am tired, my marriage takes oh so much more work, my schedule is a joke, and I have to give up ALL semblance of control (notice I said semblance...). I must preface every thought, every statement, every plan, with the words "God willing" and believe it when I say them.
And it is arrogant of me to tell God what part of His will I agree to do and what tasks I refuse (as if I know His mind!). He is breaking me down. He is showing me that yes, it is inordinately, impossibly hard for me to do anything--without Him. Being civil to a woman who is rarely civil. Ignoring barbs and jabs. Not feeling sorry for myself just because family dynamics are so different. Avoiding the pitfalls of pride in what "I" am doing. Ignoring the desire to feel smug and holier than others. Giving up my penchant, my obsession with planning. And yes, learning to do odious tasks willingly--even helping change colostomy bags.
On this journey I am losing myself, but I am finding myself too, the self that God wants me to be, the purpose for which He created me...to glorify Him.
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