I am not big on celebrating New Year's Eve or New Year's Day; no big parties, no drinking and noisemakers, no special traditional dinners of ham and chickpeas, no New Year's resolutions to lose 10 pounds or be a better person or save more money. But I always looked forward to what the New Year would bring, what God may have in store for me, and I had learned over the years to count my blessings from years past...to learn from the years I had been fortunate enough to live through so far. I can honestly say I have never entered a new year with dread or fear or resignation.
Until today...
Last night we went to a get-together at a friend's house to celebrate the New Year...I left two hours before midnight because I just felt out of place, blah, underwhelmed. In absolutely no mood to celebrate. And I couldn't fathom why.
Until today...
Last year was full of joy and promises for 2016--a daughter and family (with three beautiful granddaughters!) would be arriving in the US for six months before returning to India. Another daughter was pregnant with their first child...also a girl...and due in February 2016. My husband and I, both newly retired, spent a few months in Florida, went on a month long trip to Belgium, India, and Crete, and then embarked on a 6-week, cross-country trip in our RV. We then moved permanently to our beautiful log home in western North Carolina, and began planning our new lives. I thought we had it all figured out.
Until today...
My mom moved in with us four months ago, and we knew she'd quickly want to find an apartment nearby, where we could visit and help but still have our privacy. We were convinced she wouldn't want to lose her independence.
Until today...
Last month, Alex spent three weeks with his parents caring for his Parkinson's afflicted dad after Alex's mom suffered a life-threatening heart attack. He convinced them to hire a private nursing service to help them cope with their daily tasks of getting out of bed, preparing meals, and taking medicine. And I just knew that Alex's recent stay and perhaps ongoing daily phone calls would be more than enough to maintain their status quo.
Until today...
I talked about how God is in control but really, secretly, believed I had it all figured out. I talked, thought, dreamed, and blogged about future events (kids visiting, babies arriving, mom's living arrangements, our retirement lives) as if I was in control. I never really put my money where my mouth is, but held on to the thin vestige of being able to steer my future, or at least be one of the oars.
Until today...
Today, it hit me. I don't control anything. I don't know anything about the future. Because, "In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth" (Gen 1:1). He was the great I AM before there was time. Before there was order or a universe. And definitely before me. And only He knows what tomorrow, next week, next month, or the rest of this new year will bring for me. And for me to think I can plan for something over which I have no control is narcissistic. Even planning what I will do tomorrow, what I will make for dinner, what I will wear, is presumptious and egotistical, perhaps even sacrilegious. Because I was not deferring to God's plan for me, not even with a simple, "God willing" before or after each thought or statement of how I thought the future would play out. That is...
Until today.
No comments:
Post a Comment