Things you should never say to a caregiver

1. I'm sure your mom is so very grateful.  Yeah, but if she isn't, saying that only rubs salt in the wound.

2. If you need anything, let me know. Too vague and noncommittal. If you really want to help, decide on something concrete, and do it. Like bring dinner. Clean the house. Come walk the four dogs.

3. Hey if you ever need a break, just call me! Usually just an empty nonsense thing to say, because when she tells you she needs a break, you know you are going to have some tennis match to watch or tires to change. See #2

4. Just count yourself lucky your mom is still alive to be with you.  Really?  Lucky? Taking meals to your caustic, passive aggressive mom there times a day and being told you look like crap, after you just cleaned up the poop on the floor from her emptying her ostomy pouch there? Lucky? Uh, no. Lucky would be winning a 3 billion dollar lottery so she could hire her own private duty nurses 24/7 in a separate house.

5. Well, at least you have your siblings to count on. Go ahead, wave that red flag in front of the bull. Because more often than not, caregiving of an elderly, especially difficult, parent, falls on only one child. The rest beat feet.

6. Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you aren't healthy, how can you help your mom? This is total nonsensical, non-advice. Of course she knows she has to take care of herself. See #2 and #3

7. God never gives you more than you can handle. Okay, while it is true God controls the universe, he quite frequently gives us more than we can handle. That is why He is God, and we are not. Saying this just reminds the caregiver how woefully inadequate she is.

8.  Oh I met your mom.  She is so sweet and adorable.  See #1

9. There are tons of resources out there. Have you looked on the internet?  Seriously?  As if she hasn't already looked up resources? Be a LOT more concrete in your advice. Like, "there is a caregiver support group meeting next Monday. I will pick you up and take you." Dr. Google is not the answer.

10. I could never do what you're doing. Never say never. Because the caregiver probably said or thought that same thing. And now look at her.

11.  I never see you anymore. You should get out more. Duh! See #3

12. You should lower your stress/join a gym/make sure you eat right/get more sleep.  see #6

Bottom line:  Just listen.  Pray.  And hugs.  Lots and lots of hugs.