Control is highly overrated

Why can't everyone get along? Why are there so many broken relationships? What did I do wrong? Why doesn't (fill in the blank) call/write/text/email anymore? Why am I so misunderstood? These questions and many more (more than you would ever dream of) run constantly through my head on this never-ending video loop.  

Hi, my name is Barbara and I'm a fixer, a mender, a reconciler. And in Barbara-land, everyone gets along. When family and friends have falling outs, they kiss and make up within days, if not hours. Everyone respects one another, listens, is thoughtful, and kind. They understand each other. There is no drama at family reunions, and no one takes a FaceBook post personally. Friends don't outgrow one another. Life is peaceful and wonderful.  Ahhhh.  Bliss. 

How do I reconcile all of that with reality? Here in the REAL world, my sister hasn't spoken to me in a year and I have no idea why. People who I thought were my friends dropped me over our choice of a realtor. Other friends have seemingly dropped off the face of the earth. My ex-husband refuses to acknowledge our youngest daughter, breaking her heart.  And my stepdaughter hasn't spoken to me or her father in nearly 10 years, despite countless attempts to reach her, breaking our hearts. And I cannot even begin to describe the convoluted relationship with my mom.  

All of these fractured and frail relationships sadden and frustrate me, and that fixer part of me tells me, "Go ahead! You can do it!  Talk some sense into her!" or "Send her a text!  With a smiley face!" Today's myriad communication avenues make it harder to NOT reach out (i.e. Intervene). Heck I can text, call, email, FaceBook, Twitter, FaceTime, or Skype--in addition to writing a note or driving to their house. They can't hide!! This insistent voice on that video loop is goading me to take action and take control. I am the master of my destiny! The captain of my ship. Steer that ship!  Yeah. Right into an iceberg!

It takes nearly every fiber of my being, all my pride, and  surrender of my SELF to let go. To pray. And let God. To realize there will ALWAYS be brokenness and pain and discord because of our sinful natures. That some will always be broken, and we won't all love each other here on earth. Worse, that not all will come to know the peace and grace of Jesus.  There is "a purpose under heaven, ... a time to rend and a time to sew, a time to keep silence and a time to speak." (Eccles 3). Even in my sorrow and frustration there is a heavenly purpose. And I will trust in the Lord.   

(But it's still hard--stupid video loop!)

A job well done

Yesterday I filed my taxes and thought of my daughters, Mandy and Becky. See, I've always done their taxes as well and over the years I've tutored and mentored them through the IRS maze of tax codes. They'd need me right? I had already asked Mandy who did their taxes and she has a friend who takes care of them. So I texted Becky and asked her if she had any issues with hers. Nope. Did you file the schedule C okay? Yup. Need any help? Nope. Drat! I know, I know...why am I surprised?  Heck, Mandy is raising three little girls in a developing country overseas, and Becky has weathered three deployments of her Navy hubby AND she's selling her house while he's still deployed. Yup, we've raised two very capable daughters who have blossomed into wonderful young women. My job is done. No longer needed. Time for act two...Nana time!!

Seriously, though, too often I base my sense of worth on who or how I am needed. Or what I can do well. In reality, my worth is in Christ, and it is me who needs Him. 

Parting...such sweet sorrow

Dearest Mandy, Brian, and the queens of beautiful, lovelies, and cutes

I'm sitting in the hotel lobby in Frankfurt, Germany, and contemplating the events of the past month.  (Tears forming in eyes...dang it).  As I reflect on the many places Alex and I visited over the past 24 days--Ghent and Bruges in Belgium, Bangalore, Crete, and now Frankfurt--it's as if the visits to European cities were merely bookends to our cherished time with you all.  Seeing how you live your lives, your daily routines that truly are anything BUT routine, the card games, theological discussions, tears and laughter, nonstop queen and fairy games, pop pop naps, trips to parks, dance parties, etc., all blend together and create a wonderful montage of memories for us both.  As you said, Mandy, it was surreal when we arrived and when we left.  I was getting so used to seeing you all daily, to hearing the girls' sweet voices in the Lemon Tree cafe in the morning, that the past few days I felt lost and alone.  I even miss the exhaustion and the heat and dirt and noise of your city.  

We feel so lucky, no blessed, to have gotten this chance to be in your daily lives once again.  I know you even better know, and I promise to convince you constantly how much we love and support you.  You are wonderful parents and I am so proud of you, my firstborn daughter, for the woman and wife and mother you've become.  I cannot wait to see you again next year, but till then I promise to keep in touch.  

Third time's a charm...

...and Isabella is a charmer.  I am not saying by ANY means that her two older sisters are anything but charming.  They were as babies, and continue to charm the socks off me. But there is just something about this darling, fat little baby that makes me want to squeeze her to pieces. Good-natured, pleasant, and beautiful to look at.  Her favorite toy is her big sister Lydia, who can bring giggles out of her just by entering the room.   Favorite food?  Mommy's milk.  Favorite hobby?  Scooting around on the floor looking for bits of whatever to put in her mouth.   Nicknames:  Bella, b-bella, Isa, Bella bella bella, Queen of the cutes (Lydia and Molly are Queens of the Beautifuls and of the Lovelies, in that order, according to Lydia), Quisa, and countless others.

Broke my heart to leave her, especially knowing she will be 18 months old the next time we see her, and we will have to reintroduce ourselves all over again.  Knowing Isabella, she will make that very easy.

I know this is blurry, but so adorable...

 Mandy and Bella, looking like her mommy

 Fresh from a bath, cute as a bug

 Really, she can sleep anywhere

 on a bounce house at Wonderla

 Pop pop....

In her own little world...

Yes, it is a two post kind of night.  After nearly two years of absence from posting on Nana's Nook, I am finally getting back on the horse...in a big way.  Flying halfway around the world to see family (and especially granddaughters) does that to you...

Lydia is my first grandchild, the one who made me a nana.  She is five, sweet, sensitive, introverted, and loves her parents, the color green, carrots, the movie Frozen,  headbands, braids, twirly dresses, reading, and Jesus (not necessarily in that order).   She has a phenomenal imagination, and, despite all my worries, is comfortable in her surroundings.   I knew it before, when she lived in Georgia, but now, here in India, I am even more impressed with her ability to not only survive, but to THRIVE in what the average privileged and spoiled American would perceive to be a dirty, backwards, dangerous, or growth-stunting environment.   She finds joy in  turning a box of markers in magic wands, or in singing songs about anything (carrots, princesses, babies, frogs, lizards).  She can play for hours on a pile of rocks all the while innocently unaware of some guy sleeping right behind her.   She excitedly runs to the spot on the sidewalk where a tree near her house sheds pretty flowers, and picks one up for me and then runs back to get one for her sister, Molly.  And she will spend HOURS being a princess, a baby, a nana, a mommy, Elsa (of course), a queen, or countless other roles, and her imagination will take you there with her.  She is, without a doubt (in my biased world, anyway), the sweetest most giving child I have ever known.
The world is a brighter place with her in it.

Getting me a flower...

 loving her new purse

 playing on a stone lion at a local park

 Catching butterflies

just having fun on her back balcony

playing on rocks...

 ...oblivious to the graffiti and the sleeping dude behind her

 ...taking joy in finding two discarded, partly deflated balloons on the grass,

 ...and right away giving her sister one of them, and apologizing because it wasn't her little sister's favorite color

 ...making play dough with mommy

 playing on a rope swing

 making a play dough snake

 bounce house fun

Perpetual Cuteness in Perpetual Motion

I know I may be biased, but this kid is cute, and I mean cute.  She is two, she is independent, she likes to do everything “myself,” she is a daredevil, but most of all, she is just so stinking cute!  And, after having been here visiting Mandy and Brian and kids for over a week, and spending nearly every waking hour with them, I can safely say granddaughter #2, Molly, is in perpetual motion.  I mean she is either climbing, walking, running, pushing, jumping, or dancing every waking moment.  She is a whirling dervish—that, and the cuteness factor make candid photos a huge challenge. I am constantly taking photos of this child, most of them not in focus, yet I still am conflicted when deciding to delete any of them!  I even bought a new camera before I left the states, primarily, I thought, for taking pictures of birds since they are small and move around a lot.  (I truly enjoy birding…yes, I am a nerd).   I merely planned on getting used to my new “birding” camera to document our trip to Belgium, India and Crete. And if I took great photos of Belgium, Mandy and Brian and the beautiful kids, and Crete along the way, bonus, right?  How hard is it to take great photos of beautiful places and adorable grandchildren, right?  Harder than you might think, it turns out.  But well worth it.  So far I have over 300 photos of JUST our time here in India!

And, by the way, I have attempted to hone my bird photography skills, but the darn birds just don’t hold my attention long enough to warrant more than a few token snapshots.  I guess I will be practicing when I get back home.  And little Miss Molly makes flitty flighty birds look like they are in slow motion!

Blessing and thanking God in ALL things---yep, all things

Whew…pain scale of 9 today, now down to about a 7…migraine, fibro flare up, muscle spasms.  As I cry out to my God, I do not ask why. I praise Him and thank him for my pain, my infirmities, my suffering, because it brings me closer to Him.  It weakens me so much that I have no choice but to depend on Him, to let the Holy Spirit comfort me. Don't get me wrong…I am in no way saying it is easy to be thankful for pain and suffering. But scripture does tell us to be thankful in ALL things. Not just for what the world is talking about when they say "Oh I am so blessed!"  Not just for jobs and money and food and health and healthy children.  Also give thanks for unemployment, hunger, pain, loss, grief. Is it easy? Heck no.  But the more I lean on Him, and praise Him for the plan He has for my life (which is really His life to begin with anyway), the easier it becomes.  

Billy Graham writes on his blog:

  

"Think of it: Always giving thanks for everything—no matter the circumstances! Thanksgiving for the Apostle Paul was not a once-a-year celebration, but a daily reality that changed his life and made him a joyful person in every situation. Thanksgiving—the giving of thanks—to God for all His blessings should be one of the most distinctive marks of the believer in Jesus Christ. We must not allow a spirit of ingratitude to harden our heart and chill our relationship with God and with others…."

"...When the prophet Daniel learned that evil men were plotting against him to destroy him, “he got down on his knees and prayed, giving thanks to his God, just as he had done before” (Daniel 6:10, NIV). The Bible commands, “Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18, NIV). Paul declared, “You will even be able to thank God in the midst of pain and distress because you are privileged to share the lot of those who are living in the light” (Colossians 1:12, Phillips)."

We just celebrated Thanksgiving…and to many (or I hazard to guess, MOST of the country), it denotes turkey, stuffing, cranberries, football, family, and cute decorations made by little children. Memories are made, certainly, and traditions are followed. But how many of us were truly thankful, and giving thanks to the One from whom ALL blessings flow? How many of us realize that Thanksgiving is not a day or a meal--it is a lifestyle, a commitment, to praise Him for all things.  

"We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. " (Romans 5:3-4)

"I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be joy revealed in us. "(Romans 8:18)

Thank you, Lord, for the migraines, the pain, the aches, and even the frustrations that accompany all that when it takes me ten minutes to walk from the living room to the upstairs.