Today was mood swing day for Mom. She is normally moody anyway, to put it mildly. Always has been. Never knew what to expect--she made Jekyll and Hyde seem like the sugar plum fairy. Enough of that though--it is in the past. But I went into this knowing that, knowing what we have to deal with, knowing she really is incapable of loving anyone, least of all me. Knowing I would be the scapegoat for any and all emotional breakdowns. I can take it...with the grace of God and the help of my friends and my hubby.
We just recovered from a two day snit from last week..Wednesday she blew up because I moved her furniture to make it safer and easier for her to get her walker through. By Friday it was as if nothing had happened. Today, she actually got upset because her dog peed on the basement floor, walking in it through it all over the basement, and I had to clean it up. I didn't get upset or holler. I just took the mop downstairs and said "let's work on getting this little guy housebroken." Next thing I know she is refusing to go to her doctor appointment or get her antibiotic for an infection she has...one that took her to the ER Saturday. She demanded her car keys (she has not driven since she got here over two months ago), so I gave them to her--scary to think she may try to drive around here. I also gave her the application and information for two of the low cost senior apartments in the area.
In trying to figure out the unfathomable, I realized both blow-ups coincided with a visit from one of the home health staff, but I am not sure if it was a reaction to a loss of independence vis a vis having home health here to do hygiene and stoma care, or if she acts out for the benefit of the nurses. Or both. Either way, I cannot control it, or manage it. All I can do is ignore it, and not react to it.
Of course she always reverts to passive aggressive communication, coming upstairs after 5 hours of pouting to tell me "sorry I misled you by letting you think this was the place for me," and says I don't care, that she has to move out. Then she ate some ice cream, and sat down in a chair to watch TV. Next the bombshell...completely expected....asking for a couple of old photo albums. Knowing full well she would use them as barbs to ask why she has never been involved in our family activities, I fell on my sword and handed her the girls' wedding scrapbooks. Yup, enjoyed them for 30 minutes, then asked the question for which there is no answer, none she will listen to or understand, that is. "Why was I never invited to these things? I'm your mother, their grandmother, why am I always excluded?" Yeah, there are so many answers to that question...and none are good answers.
The reality is all of that is in the past, but my mom has always lived, no thrived, in the past. She is a perpetual victim, the quintessential Eyore. We never have resolved anything, not ever...not in 60 years. And probably never will. And I knew all this coming into this situation. And yet I still willingly signed up for this.
Maybe I AM the one who is crazy!
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